Well, I began my internship at Rubenstein PR yesterday morning. First 6:30 AM wake up in a very long time. I was excited though, and boarded the train, though I feel like a little piece of me died for a bit knowing that for the next 2 months I would be spending 2 hours of my life on a train each day (one way each day).
The first day was good, slow because we didn't really start working on anything. On Mondays and Tuesdays I'm 1 of 3 interns, and then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday joined by others. I'm the only full time intern. Turns out that the office I'm sharing with an intern and one of their employees has a window with a pretty good view down 6th Ave. Pretty impressive that at the age of 22 I have a window on the 30th floor. Anyways, the 2 women in charge of our internship program are great and young and real cool. I was floored by the end of the day yesterday, not used to the commuting and working 9-5, and was passed out by 9:30. It was a great first day though, and it did leave me excited for what the summer held.
Mr. Rubenstein, the president, is working with my dad right now, and has me checking in with him every day to let him know how everything is going. This man is THE MAN in the world of PR, and I'm excited and looking forward to the chance to work right under him. They have about twelve or so other senior publicists, and we work with their junior publicists on whatever they need us for.
Today we got to work on putting together memos and media clippings for Miss Universe, who, awesomely, was in our office this morning. Yah, she's gorgeous. And I'm not talking Miss USA, I'm talking about the woman who won, Miss Japan. Yah it was pretty exciting and I felt pretty cool. The day went faster today because we were all a little more relaxed and had work to do. I ended up not even taking a lunch break and just hanging in the office.
I'm happy to say that it's 8:15 and I'm not tired. Which is great because that means I can start a routine of going to the gym after work. Of course this is all provided I get to bed early enough. I always respected my father, now I respect him even more. The train is not easy. Because I have to be in to work by 9, I take the 7:08 train to Grand Central, which gets me in around 8:10, and then I have about a 20 minute walk (longer if I walk slow or weather sucks) about 10 blocks over and 5 up. Gives me good exercise and I'm starting to pick out some places I'd love to check out.
Tomorrow I'm heading over to The Modern, the new restaurant at the MoMa, for an office event. Haha how cool, we're only 2 blocks from MoMa and a couple from Central Park! I intend to check out more of the area soon...
Other than that, things are going well. Next Friday I'm heading to Miami for the weekend, as FIU is having a "fall 2007 entering class reception" on Saturday. I'm looking forward to meeting classmates, and, if I'm lucky, a roommate for the fall! It'll be fun and a nice little break.
Oh, another reason I love walking- so many good looking guys in the city. It's fun seeing so many guys. Ok yah I won't go any further.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Sunday, June 03, 2007
NYC, here I come!
The big job begins tomorrow. This is my first big job. Ok, I'm still an intern, but I am excited to see what I'll be doing this summer. Well, for the next two months. Now I'm sitting here, worried about what exactly I should wear tomorrow, as it is the first day, and first impressions mean a lot. The first day is always the most stressful for me.
I don't have to be in til 10 tomorrow, but I have to take the 8AM train to be there on time. Sweet. Which means a 6:30am wake up call. And then work til 5, then catching the 6pm train out of the city, which gets me in around 7. Sweet. I know that I am going to be absolutely pooped tomorrow night. Still hoping to get in the routine of going to work and then getting a good work out in before I head home. Just need to get the routine going right away and keeping it up- I'll be in Miami in no time, and if I thought the people up north were skinny....ahh craziness.
Nevertheless, the next 2 months hold invaluable experiences. June should actually be pretty cool--I'm heading to Miami in a couple of weeks to head to FIU for a fall 2007 entering class reception. I'm hoping to meet some people up front, perhaps even find a roommate for the year, which would be amazingggg to have a fellow student to live with. Then Allie and I will fly back home together, and she'll be home for a couple of days, which will be nice. Then-the most fun- we've been invited to the opening party of the Ripley's Believe it or Not in Times Square down in New York City! There's a band called Mini Kiss playing--it's little people dressed up as Kiss--this will be way too cool. The funny thing (and very cool in my head) to me is that the CEO of the company I'm working at, Mr. Rubenstein, has been invited also, so I was joking that I get to walk in with him, which is TOTALLY cool in my head, as he is a big time guy in the PR world. Ok I'm done being super excited.
I'm sitting here, watching the Yankees play the Red Sox. We're 13.5 games behind them, gah, and the Yankees are killing me slowly this summer. It's gonna take ALOT for them to catch up. Really rather sad to see us playing so bad lately. THIRTEEN AND A HALF GAMES. Sickening.
Anyway, I better go get stuff ready for tomorrow and pick up my room. Being home has its perks- no rent, free food, etc. The problem with it is that my mom seems to forget that I am 22 and have been taking care of myself, and is constantly on me about something. Tonight it was making sure I had everything I need for work tomorrow. I think she forgets that I am the queen of lists and thinking ahead....it will get old soon, but its fun being home. I haven't been home for this long a time in a loong time...
Oh, Entourage tonight, Yay! Hopefully I'll get on tomorrow to talk about my first day of work...wish me luck!
I don't have to be in til 10 tomorrow, but I have to take the 8AM train to be there on time. Sweet. Which means a 6:30am wake up call. And then work til 5, then catching the 6pm train out of the city, which gets me in around 7. Sweet. I know that I am going to be absolutely pooped tomorrow night. Still hoping to get in the routine of going to work and then getting a good work out in before I head home. Just need to get the routine going right away and keeping it up- I'll be in Miami in no time, and if I thought the people up north were skinny....ahh craziness.
Nevertheless, the next 2 months hold invaluable experiences. June should actually be pretty cool--I'm heading to Miami in a couple of weeks to head to FIU for a fall 2007 entering class reception. I'm hoping to meet some people up front, perhaps even find a roommate for the year, which would be amazingggg to have a fellow student to live with. Then Allie and I will fly back home together, and she'll be home for a couple of days, which will be nice. Then-the most fun- we've been invited to the opening party of the Ripley's Believe it or Not in Times Square down in New York City! There's a band called Mini Kiss playing--it's little people dressed up as Kiss--this will be way too cool. The funny thing (and very cool in my head) to me is that the CEO of the company I'm working at, Mr. Rubenstein, has been invited also, so I was joking that I get to walk in with him, which is TOTALLY cool in my head, as he is a big time guy in the PR world. Ok I'm done being super excited.
I'm sitting here, watching the Yankees play the Red Sox. We're 13.5 games behind them, gah, and the Yankees are killing me slowly this summer. It's gonna take ALOT for them to catch up. Really rather sad to see us playing so bad lately. THIRTEEN AND A HALF GAMES. Sickening.
Anyway, I better go get stuff ready for tomorrow and pick up my room. Being home has its perks- no rent, free food, etc. The problem with it is that my mom seems to forget that I am 22 and have been taking care of myself, and is constantly on me about something. Tonight it was making sure I had everything I need for work tomorrow. I think she forgets that I am the queen of lists and thinking ahead....it will get old soon, but its fun being home. I haven't been home for this long a time in a loong time...
Oh, Entourage tonight, Yay! Hopefully I'll get on tomorrow to talk about my first day of work...wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Almost over...
The end of an era is coming to a close.
My room is pretty much packed up. I've been packing for like four hours now, and I finally got things really and truly packed. So weird to see things being thrown out and packed up, not to be seen until I move to Miami in August. I've done a pretty good job packing, though I got box happy and now have more boxes than I need. I don't even know if I am going to need any....
Last night at Tommy Joe's tonight. And by tonight, I really mean starting 3 hours from now, since happy hour begins at 5. This was my place since December, and I'm going to miss the people there terribly. It should be a good night, however, with Erin coming with me at 5, Woo in there, Ace coming after work, and I'm hoping Kim and company. Just sad that when I find myself a niche around here, it's time to move on....
So I got 3 bags and 1 box so far. Not too bad. Still some more to go, and the guys are coming tomorrow to get rid of my furniture. It'll be much easier to finish packing when I have more room to do so...I wonder what time they are coming, I need to have everything cleared off...
So yah. I begin my job in New York City on Monday. My first 5-day, 9-5 job. And I'm commuting. Woot. I'll get a taste of the real world for about a month, because in July I'll only be working Monday-Wednesday, and probably wetting myself to move to Miami. But it'll be good experience and look fab on the resume.
I've been having interesting dreams lately. One I can recall from last night seemed rather long. It involved a certain someone and his roommate. We were hanging in their place, just watching TV and stuff, but nothing was really happening--pretty much like our relationship was before everythign went down. After a while it changed to us being on a cruise ship, and drinking and hanging out together. Once again, nothing happened, and the dream moved on to other things, but it was interesting nonetheless. I'm a firm believer that all of my dreams have meaning, yet this one doesn't seem to do much for me yet...
So weird to look around my room and see it so empty. Even sadder tomorrow...
My room is pretty much packed up. I've been packing for like four hours now, and I finally got things really and truly packed. So weird to see things being thrown out and packed up, not to be seen until I move to Miami in August. I've done a pretty good job packing, though I got box happy and now have more boxes than I need. I don't even know if I am going to need any....
Last night at Tommy Joe's tonight. And by tonight, I really mean starting 3 hours from now, since happy hour begins at 5. This was my place since December, and I'm going to miss the people there terribly. It should be a good night, however, with Erin coming with me at 5, Woo in there, Ace coming after work, and I'm hoping Kim and company. Just sad that when I find myself a niche around here, it's time to move on....
So I got 3 bags and 1 box so far. Not too bad. Still some more to go, and the guys are coming tomorrow to get rid of my furniture. It'll be much easier to finish packing when I have more room to do so...I wonder what time they are coming, I need to have everything cleared off...
So yah. I begin my job in New York City on Monday. My first 5-day, 9-5 job. And I'm commuting. Woot. I'll get a taste of the real world for about a month, because in July I'll only be working Monday-Wednesday, and probably wetting myself to move to Miami. But it'll be good experience and look fab on the resume.
I've been having interesting dreams lately. One I can recall from last night seemed rather long. It involved a certain someone and his roommate. We were hanging in their place, just watching TV and stuff, but nothing was really happening--pretty much like our relationship was before everythign went down. After a while it changed to us being on a cruise ship, and drinking and hanging out together. Once again, nothing happened, and the dream moved on to other things, but it was interesting nonetheless. I'm a firm believer that all of my dreams have meaning, yet this one doesn't seem to do much for me yet...
So weird to look around my room and see it so empty. Even sadder tomorrow...
Thursday, May 24, 2007
The New Canaan Effect
I was pretty excited to get home yesterday. When I woke up, it was like it hit me, and I wanted to get on the road and get home as soon as possible. And I did.
It was real nice getting home. I stopped in to see my tennis coach and catch up on old times. He looks great still, it's really not fair, and I look forward to being home for good to hit some with him. He was a huge part of my life and it was good to see him doing so well.
Dad and I went to dinner last night and caught up. It was the first time him and I actually really had a good conversation, one on one like that. Often when it's just him and I the conversation is sparse, but there was something different last night. Maybe I had more to say, or he did, or he was not as stressed about work as he usually is. Whatever it may be, it was enjoyable.
Today I ran around doing errands most of the day. Woot for a sale at the Rugby Store--for those of you not familiar, a trendier and (somewhat) cheaper Ralph Lauren store. Cool stuff, and the logo is a skull and crossbones.
Which brings me to my first deep thought in a while. My sister, mom, and pretty much everyone keep telling me how I'm really going to need to change the way I dress when I am in Miami starting in August. Ok yah, I know I'm not the trendiest girl, and prep girls probably don't go far in Miami, but I really don't want to change myself completely, and I am sure I will pick up more of the "style" once I'm there. It's just annoying that they are constantly harping on how I dress when it's what I feel good in.
If I actually felt more comfortable about how I look then I would dress a little more trendier, and this is something I am working on. I'm never going to be a size 0 but I'm doing what I can before I enter the world of bikinis. Sometimes I wonder why I picked Miami, it really is going to be culture shock, but no doubt it will be good for me.
Being home makes me laugh as well. The moms are all ridiculously skinny and don't look their age. The cars are gorgeous. The kids all prepped out. Oh I wish some of you could come here and see where I grew up, it would really explain a lot more about me.
My cousin's sweet 16 is tomorrow night. So I'll be heading out there as the awkward cousin. It will definitely be a good time and I'm glad I'm able to attend. While I'm looking forward to it, I am absolutely not looking forward to the drive back on Saturday, where I will most likely hit the Memorial Day beach traffic, and I am definitely not looking forward to the extensive cleaning/packing/throwing out that will be going on until Wednesday.
And can anyone help me move my stupid bed? Jamie said she would but we're gonna need some help from a guy. We need to move a mattress and box springs from my apartment to the Berks. Oh this is gonna be an adventure on Wednesday night...
Anyways, I am looking forward to starting my job in NYC a week from Monday. Should be interesting, and fun. I hope. Not looking forward to commuting.
I also wish I wasn't so dumb sometimes, ans really wish I had had everything all packed by this weekend so I could have next week to chill out. My plan is to get as much done as early in the week as possible so I can get back, I mean I barely have work clothes for a 5-day work week. I would have been better served getting everything done in the past week and a half that I did nothing so I could not be a freak before I begin my job.
So a week from today I should be moved back to Connecticut for two months. I'm shooting to be back Wednesday night---my dad wants me to do a "test run" on the train so I know where I'm going on Monday, and yah I should get work clothing.
Good luck to me, Sunday and Monday are gonna be super fun.....
It was real nice getting home. I stopped in to see my tennis coach and catch up on old times. He looks great still, it's really not fair, and I look forward to being home for good to hit some with him. He was a huge part of my life and it was good to see him doing so well.
Dad and I went to dinner last night and caught up. It was the first time him and I actually really had a good conversation, one on one like that. Often when it's just him and I the conversation is sparse, but there was something different last night. Maybe I had more to say, or he did, or he was not as stressed about work as he usually is. Whatever it may be, it was enjoyable.
Today I ran around doing errands most of the day. Woot for a sale at the Rugby Store--for those of you not familiar, a trendier and (somewhat) cheaper Ralph Lauren store. Cool stuff, and the logo is a skull and crossbones.
Which brings me to my first deep thought in a while. My sister, mom, and pretty much everyone keep telling me how I'm really going to need to change the way I dress when I am in Miami starting in August. Ok yah, I know I'm not the trendiest girl, and prep girls probably don't go far in Miami, but I really don't want to change myself completely, and I am sure I will pick up more of the "style" once I'm there. It's just annoying that they are constantly harping on how I dress when it's what I feel good in.
If I actually felt more comfortable about how I look then I would dress a little more trendier, and this is something I am working on. I'm never going to be a size 0 but I'm doing what I can before I enter the world of bikinis. Sometimes I wonder why I picked Miami, it really is going to be culture shock, but no doubt it will be good for me.
Being home makes me laugh as well. The moms are all ridiculously skinny and don't look their age. The cars are gorgeous. The kids all prepped out. Oh I wish some of you could come here and see where I grew up, it would really explain a lot more about me.
My cousin's sweet 16 is tomorrow night. So I'll be heading out there as the awkward cousin. It will definitely be a good time and I'm glad I'm able to attend. While I'm looking forward to it, I am absolutely not looking forward to the drive back on Saturday, where I will most likely hit the Memorial Day beach traffic, and I am definitely not looking forward to the extensive cleaning/packing/throwing out that will be going on until Wednesday.
And can anyone help me move my stupid bed? Jamie said she would but we're gonna need some help from a guy. We need to move a mattress and box springs from my apartment to the Berks. Oh this is gonna be an adventure on Wednesday night...
Anyways, I am looking forward to starting my job in NYC a week from Monday. Should be interesting, and fun. I hope. Not looking forward to commuting.
I also wish I wasn't so dumb sometimes, ans really wish I had had everything all packed by this weekend so I could have next week to chill out. My plan is to get as much done as early in the week as possible so I can get back, I mean I barely have work clothes for a 5-day work week. I would have been better served getting everything done in the past week and a half that I did nothing so I could not be a freak before I begin my job.
So a week from today I should be moved back to Connecticut for two months. I'm shooting to be back Wednesday night---my dad wants me to do a "test run" on the train so I know where I'm going on Monday, and yah I should get work clothing.
Good luck to me, Sunday and Monday are gonna be super fun.....
Monday, May 21, 2007
Out with the old...
For any of you still in the District, I have a lot of stuff I am looking to get rid of. If anyone is interested, hit me up, and you can pick what you want. Otherwise I hope to be able to donate a lot of this stuff.....
I cannot wait for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End....
I cannot wait for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End....
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Welcome back...
Yes, it's been quite a while. But I'm back. I realize this is a good way for me to express myself because typing is so much easier than writing, and it's also a good way for people to keep in touch with me. So here goes.
It's so weird to think that in August I'll be moving to a new city to start a new life as a 1L law student. I feel more like an adult this time, as opposed to when I was getting ready to move to D.C. for life as a collegiate at AU. It's like I am going there to truly begin my life.
I don't want to leave anyone. I keep telling all my close friends they should look for jobs in Miami and come live there, and people keep laughing about it, but why not? I know I should have stayed here but the LSAT Gods were not happy with me and no school in D.C. would accept me. Plus it's a great way for us to get out there and see what other places have to offer. We're only this age once.
But I am excited for this next step. A new city with new people and a whole new experience waiting for me. A chance for me to find myself more. I just wish some of my friends could be closer to me.
We've been graduated for a week now (well some of us) and it just feels weird. I spent most of the week sick in bed, and am now, at 11:30 at night, finally beginning to feel better. As much as I want to stay, I am ready to move on.
The episode from a couple of weeks ago isn't bothering me anymore, but it's sad to think a friendship was lost. But such is life sometimes. I really thought there was potential, but then again, what do I know when it comes to that game? Little to nothing. Being at home and working in New York City will be good for me, a good time for me to gain some great experience, as well as money, before I head down to the city where the heat is on. Working 9-5 and commuting on the train is certainly something I've never done before, I guess 22 is a good age to begin. The plan is to get into Miami shape too--I should just stop eating for the next three months.
Well that's all I got for now. Not feeling incredibly profound or deep at the moment, but I'll try to keep on top of this. Hey, who knows, maybe one day I'll have as close a following as Ace over there...
It's so weird to think that in August I'll be moving to a new city to start a new life as a 1L law student. I feel more like an adult this time, as opposed to when I was getting ready to move to D.C. for life as a collegiate at AU. It's like I am going there to truly begin my life.
I don't want to leave anyone. I keep telling all my close friends they should look for jobs in Miami and come live there, and people keep laughing about it, but why not? I know I should have stayed here but the LSAT Gods were not happy with me and no school in D.C. would accept me. Plus it's a great way for us to get out there and see what other places have to offer. We're only this age once.
But I am excited for this next step. A new city with new people and a whole new experience waiting for me. A chance for me to find myself more. I just wish some of my friends could be closer to me.
We've been graduated for a week now (well some of us) and it just feels weird. I spent most of the week sick in bed, and am now, at 11:30 at night, finally beginning to feel better. As much as I want to stay, I am ready to move on.
The episode from a couple of weeks ago isn't bothering me anymore, but it's sad to think a friendship was lost. But such is life sometimes. I really thought there was potential, but then again, what do I know when it comes to that game? Little to nothing. Being at home and working in New York City will be good for me, a good time for me to gain some great experience, as well as money, before I head down to the city where the heat is on. Working 9-5 and commuting on the train is certainly something I've never done before, I guess 22 is a good age to begin. The plan is to get into Miami shape too--I should just stop eating for the next three months.
Well that's all I got for now. Not feeling incredibly profound or deep at the moment, but I'll try to keep on top of this. Hey, who knows, maybe one day I'll have as close a following as Ace over there...
Monday, October 23, 2006
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now...
So, listening to this song last Wednesday night was a fun experience, but it's somewhat sad to me that it applies to my life right now. Ok, maybe I am not completely miserable, but I was this weekend, and I am working to not be miserable, as hard as that is for me right now.
According to my widget (yes I am a MacBook user), miserable means wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable. So, based on this definition, I have been miserable three times in my life. Sophomore year of high school when I first came to terms with the fact that I do indeed feel more and see more of the world around me, and see it better and more truthfully than anyone else my age (something I'm not proud of, ignorance is bliss). The second time being when I had knee surgery my senior year- no explanation needed, you try not being able to walk for 6 months. The third time being when I gave up the one thing that had made me so happy since I was 6- tennis- at the end of frosh year of college.
This, my friends, is the fourth time.
Don't get me wrong, there has been a ton of great moments this semester- Union Jack's is always a good time for me and whoever joins me, broomball was fabulous, mixers rocked, being with my sisters, Miami. These are weekend/night things, events that only last a couple hours and become another one of my favorite memories from my last year of my undergraduate career.
But, I have hit rock bottom. I'm in a place I know all too well, and I am not a fan of it one bit. If there are any of you who actually do read this, please don't be worried. If you know me well, you know that I am indeed working on turning this all around, and will do my absolute best to keep my head up right now. Also, know that there are some of you that are the reason I keep going, and it is none of you that have caused me to be in this place. You all, funny enough, keep me insane.
Having said all of this, I know that deep down, the things causing me to be so upset are really trivial in the grand scheme of things- it's the point that I work so hard, or like to think I do, and really do not see any returns on my hard work (sorry to bring out the business analogies). It's results that keep us going in life, and a lack thereof makes waking up before 1 PM a tough endeavor for yours truly.
Yah, I could throw out the depression word right now. I'm not proud of it, but it's not something I'm afraid of talking about. In fact, I know I'm a strong person because of the fact that I can accept my current situation and vow to no be depressed anymore. This is a very hard thing, however, when you've been diagnosed with having a chemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to sometimes have absolutely no control over your emotions (think beer tears or the things you do while drunk, except I am sober and being aware of what is going and not being able to change it is 10 times scarier than being drunk and acting out).
But, I have a lot to live for. And yeah, it's gonna be 5 weeks of hell, but I'm heeding words collected from my father over the years:
"You can sleep when you're dead" ---ok haven't heeded this yet, my dreams are better than reality these days....
"Plan your work and work your plan"---this is a saying I really like.
So, it's back to lists upon lists of goals and things to get done and the infamous L-School crap. I refuse to say that L word right now, and no one better ask me about it or say the word. Period.
With all that out of my system, I've accepted the reality of the situation with a certain someone. Despite what has gone on over the past 2 months- which really has been fun- I guess being friends is what I have to settle for. And yet, this is what I feel I am ALWAYS settling for. Good at friendship. GREAT at friendship. When's it my turn?
"In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?"
A little dramatic, but we're all allowed our moments, no?
I can talk to him about nothing and everything for hours. I can just look at him, into his eyes, and be content. I can be silly around him and he likes it. He calls me "good people" and "a very likeable person." What does that even mean?
I've always been attracted to older guys, but usually they have a little more direction, which makes sense since I have more direction than mapquest.
Or, at least I thought I did. I'm so intrigued by him. I've never seen him in a bad mood, he's always in good spirits. He laughs a lot. He has a good attitude all the time---how does he do that?
Well, it's 4PM. I woke up at 1, had some lunch, and have done nothing really productive, other than find a tutor. Don't ask.
5 weeks. He leaves November 15th. I don't know how I feel about that...
So, listening to this song last Wednesday night was a fun experience, but it's somewhat sad to me that it applies to my life right now. Ok, maybe I am not completely miserable, but I was this weekend, and I am working to not be miserable, as hard as that is for me right now.
According to my widget (yes I am a MacBook user), miserable means wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable. So, based on this definition, I have been miserable three times in my life. Sophomore year of high school when I first came to terms with the fact that I do indeed feel more and see more of the world around me, and see it better and more truthfully than anyone else my age (something I'm not proud of, ignorance is bliss). The second time being when I had knee surgery my senior year- no explanation needed, you try not being able to walk for 6 months. The third time being when I gave up the one thing that had made me so happy since I was 6- tennis- at the end of frosh year of college.
This, my friends, is the fourth time.
Don't get me wrong, there has been a ton of great moments this semester- Union Jack's is always a good time for me and whoever joins me, broomball was fabulous, mixers rocked, being with my sisters, Miami. These are weekend/night things, events that only last a couple hours and become another one of my favorite memories from my last year of my undergraduate career.
But, I have hit rock bottom. I'm in a place I know all too well, and I am not a fan of it one bit. If there are any of you who actually do read this, please don't be worried. If you know me well, you know that I am indeed working on turning this all around, and will do my absolute best to keep my head up right now. Also, know that there are some of you that are the reason I keep going, and it is none of you that have caused me to be in this place. You all, funny enough, keep me insane.
Having said all of this, I know that deep down, the things causing me to be so upset are really trivial in the grand scheme of things- it's the point that I work so hard, or like to think I do, and really do not see any returns on my hard work (sorry to bring out the business analogies). It's results that keep us going in life, and a lack thereof makes waking up before 1 PM a tough endeavor for yours truly.
Yah, I could throw out the depression word right now. I'm not proud of it, but it's not something I'm afraid of talking about. In fact, I know I'm a strong person because of the fact that I can accept my current situation and vow to no be depressed anymore. This is a very hard thing, however, when you've been diagnosed with having a chemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to sometimes have absolutely no control over your emotions (think beer tears or the things you do while drunk, except I am sober and being aware of what is going and not being able to change it is 10 times scarier than being drunk and acting out).
But, I have a lot to live for. And yeah, it's gonna be 5 weeks of hell, but I'm heeding words collected from my father over the years:
"You can sleep when you're dead" ---ok haven't heeded this yet, my dreams are better than reality these days....
"Plan your work and work your plan"---this is a saying I really like.
So, it's back to lists upon lists of goals and things to get done and the infamous L-School crap. I refuse to say that L word right now, and no one better ask me about it or say the word. Period.
With all that out of my system, I've accepted the reality of the situation with a certain someone. Despite what has gone on over the past 2 months- which really has been fun- I guess being friends is what I have to settle for. And yet, this is what I feel I am ALWAYS settling for. Good at friendship. GREAT at friendship. When's it my turn?
"In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?"
A little dramatic, but we're all allowed our moments, no?
I can talk to him about nothing and everything for hours. I can just look at him, into his eyes, and be content. I can be silly around him and he likes it. He calls me "good people" and "a very likeable person." What does that even mean?
I've always been attracted to older guys, but usually they have a little more direction, which makes sense since I have more direction than mapquest.
Or, at least I thought I did. I'm so intrigued by him. I've never seen him in a bad mood, he's always in good spirits. He laughs a lot. He has a good attitude all the time---how does he do that?
Well, it's 4PM. I woke up at 1, had some lunch, and have done nothing really productive, other than find a tutor. Don't ask.
5 weeks. He leaves November 15th. I don't know how I feel about that...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
So my heart was broken last night.
Yeah ok I am not proud of it, it happens too often to me, but it's a blog right? I can write about whatever I want.
It's really my fault for letting my heart get broken- I really should have known better. But boy, it hurt. And of course, I remedied the situation by drinking and going to Union Jack's with the brother. Why did I let it happen though? I should have not fallen for him, and once again I did, but gah, he just needs to leave already. And then the bouncer (who's in love with me) didn't help so much by telling me things that made me feel worse in my poor decision to fall for this guy.
But I guess that's my thing, falling for the wrong guys. But I am so over this. When's it my turn to find a right guy? I don't need to find THE right guy, I am only 22, but it scares me because at this age I haven't had one single meaningful relationship, and how am I supposed to know when the right guy actually comes along? Will I know something good when it actually comes along?
It's all very confusing and frustrating and I'm really not sure where to go from here. There's one interest, but I am completely clueless on how to go about pursuing this one. Why can't I be pursued once in a while? That would feel so good...
Anyways, there's around 50 something days left in this semester. Which leaves one more full semester of my undergraduate career here at American. And, I have to say, I'm beginning to get very nostalgic and beginning to miss it all.
I'm one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay around for a reason. There's a huge reason he's in my life.
We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of sophomore year, and in the beginning he was his pompous self, but I challenged him, and we hit it off. And he's been a fixture in my life ever since. There's a deep bond that can't be broken by anything. Not me wigging out on him or him disappearing for weeks. I know I can call him or IM him and eventually reach him. And he'll be there for me. Like he was last night. He can always make me laugh, and we always have a good time together.
We're both at pretty confusting stages in our lives. I'm getting ready to apply to law schools, with my #1 choice being thousands of miles away in Miami, and he will be here. He's looking for a job and dealing with life after college. And both of us have the problem of ultimately being too nice, even in our mean, selfish moments.
Sometimes I wonder if there could ever be anything between him and I. Not because I'm attracted to him or have a crush on him. It's more that there's already such a great relationship between the 2 of us, I wonder if it would be even better if we got together and had the romance part there as well. I think we'd be good for each other, but who really knows. Guess I shouldn't really dwell on it.
I should just focus on myself and Law School. This whole application process is bad deja vu from applying to undergrad. I can't believe I'm getting my scores back tomorrow....
Yeah ok I am not proud of it, it happens too often to me, but it's a blog right? I can write about whatever I want.
It's really my fault for letting my heart get broken- I really should have known better. But boy, it hurt. And of course, I remedied the situation by drinking and going to Union Jack's with the brother. Why did I let it happen though? I should have not fallen for him, and once again I did, but gah, he just needs to leave already. And then the bouncer (who's in love with me) didn't help so much by telling me things that made me feel worse in my poor decision to fall for this guy.
But I guess that's my thing, falling for the wrong guys. But I am so over this. When's it my turn to find a right guy? I don't need to find THE right guy, I am only 22, but it scares me because at this age I haven't had one single meaningful relationship, and how am I supposed to know when the right guy actually comes along? Will I know something good when it actually comes along?
It's all very confusing and frustrating and I'm really not sure where to go from here. There's one interest, but I am completely clueless on how to go about pursuing this one. Why can't I be pursued once in a while? That would feel so good...
Anyways, there's around 50 something days left in this semester. Which leaves one more full semester of my undergraduate career here at American. And, I have to say, I'm beginning to get very nostalgic and beginning to miss it all.
I'm one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay around for a reason. There's a huge reason he's in my life.
We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of sophomore year, and in the beginning he was his pompous self, but I challenged him, and we hit it off. And he's been a fixture in my life ever since. There's a deep bond that can't be broken by anything. Not me wigging out on him or him disappearing for weeks. I know I can call him or IM him and eventually reach him. And he'll be there for me. Like he was last night. He can always make me laugh, and we always have a good time together.
We're both at pretty confusting stages in our lives. I'm getting ready to apply to law schools, with my #1 choice being thousands of miles away in Miami, and he will be here. He's looking for a job and dealing with life after college. And both of us have the problem of ultimately being too nice, even in our mean, selfish moments.
Sometimes I wonder if there could ever be anything between him and I. Not because I'm attracted to him or have a crush on him. It's more that there's already such a great relationship between the 2 of us, I wonder if it would be even better if we got together and had the romance part there as well. I think we'd be good for each other, but who really knows. Guess I shouldn't really dwell on it.
I should just focus on myself and Law School. This whole application process is bad deja vu from applying to undergrad. I can't believe I'm getting my scores back tomorrow....
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Sunday
Ever wake up and find you are already plagued by thoughts and realities that, 1) you don't really want to think about or come to terms with 2) you just can't understand why this always happens to you?
That's me since I woke up 28 minutes ago.
I guess I'm really at a loss. He texted me last night to let me know he was DJing down the street (as per usual) and yet never invited me or anything. At one point he mentioned how it was was quiet last night, but like I said, no invite. I don't know if there was a hint or anything in there, but, with what we've been through, you'd think him and I were passed hints and stupid crap like that. Apparently not. Of course, I also think I make the right decision of not going either way; as nice as it would have been to see him I didn't really feel like being somewhat ignored.
But I guess that's all it is- perhaps there really is nothing between him and I. Maybe it really was one awesome night back in August, followed by a couple of days of "why me again?" feelings (well, trust me they didn't last long, I hooked up with 2 other guys right after him), then an awkward, unanticipated reunion, followed by talking again, seeing him 3 nights in a row, with him staying over last weekend and our whole saga getting deeper. It ends with him staying over on Wednesday night, a really nice night filled with tennis, ice cream sundaes, and cuddling til 3 AM. Saw him Thursday night, nothing special there, and that's been it since 3 days ago.
So, someone please make sense of this all. Good times there, right? But he does leave for officer training school on November 15th, and won't be back for a couple of months- so maybe he's just enjoying himself? And maybe I should too.
To be quite honest- while you may not beleive me- I'm not as broken up as I could be, as I usually am. Maybe I have finally accepted it for what it is- a fling. But at the same time, I really enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being around me too. Soemtimes I think it's just cause he's a generally nice person, and I look at him and think, yeah he is real nice and not the best looking guy, so I shouldn't worry. Then there's always the wonder of, well if I am not there, who's he flirting with tonight? So I really just don't know.
Yeah, it's all awfully confusing, isn't it? I guess I should just focus on myself right now- school and health and AHH law school. Dammit I forgot about that.
Maybe there is no time for him right now. For DJs and sagas and flings and all that jazz. But even so, I wish I knew more about how he really felt...but the truth does hurt....
That's me since I woke up 28 minutes ago.
I guess I'm really at a loss. He texted me last night to let me know he was DJing down the street (as per usual) and yet never invited me or anything. At one point he mentioned how it was was quiet last night, but like I said, no invite. I don't know if there was a hint or anything in there, but, with what we've been through, you'd think him and I were passed hints and stupid crap like that. Apparently not. Of course, I also think I make the right decision of not going either way; as nice as it would have been to see him I didn't really feel like being somewhat ignored.
But I guess that's all it is- perhaps there really is nothing between him and I. Maybe it really was one awesome night back in August, followed by a couple of days of "why me again?" feelings (well, trust me they didn't last long, I hooked up with 2 other guys right after him), then an awkward, unanticipated reunion, followed by talking again, seeing him 3 nights in a row, with him staying over last weekend and our whole saga getting deeper. It ends with him staying over on Wednesday night, a really nice night filled with tennis, ice cream sundaes, and cuddling til 3 AM. Saw him Thursday night, nothing special there, and that's been it since 3 days ago.
So, someone please make sense of this all. Good times there, right? But he does leave for officer training school on November 15th, and won't be back for a couple of months- so maybe he's just enjoying himself? And maybe I should too.
To be quite honest- while you may not beleive me- I'm not as broken up as I could be, as I usually am. Maybe I have finally accepted it for what it is- a fling. But at the same time, I really enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being around me too. Soemtimes I think it's just cause he's a generally nice person, and I look at him and think, yeah he is real nice and not the best looking guy, so I shouldn't worry. Then there's always the wonder of, well if I am not there, who's he flirting with tonight? So I really just don't know.
Yeah, it's all awfully confusing, isn't it? I guess I should just focus on myself right now- school and health and AHH law school. Dammit I forgot about that.
Maybe there is no time for him right now. For DJs and sagas and flings and all that jazz. But even so, I wish I knew more about how he really felt...but the truth does hurt....
Thursday, September 14, 2006
That Moment
I want to be held.
Sometimes I just want to be back in that moment, because, for that moment, life was unlike it was at any other moment.
It was perfect.
And I sat there, and I looked at the stars, and I looked at the people around me,
(most I didn't know and would never know again)
and just knew that I had it so good.
And we sat. And offered me his chair.
And stood there, at my eye's level, and looked and smiled.
And I knew.
And he held me. Even when we walked.
Hands clenched in hands. Holding on to me as if afraid to lose me.
And for that moment, I was all that mattered.
The giggling. The looks all night long.
There's something so comforting in knowing it's all yours.
So tonight, I sit.
And I'm brought back to the ocean.
The sounds of the waves.
You letting me be goofy, and joining me in my glory.
Looking far over the water and seeing nothing.
Nothing but us.
And the ocean.
In that moment.
For that moment, we were invincible.
We were one.
You held on to me close.
I was yours.
The moment lasted all night.
All it took was that first smile and you were hooked.
That moment.
I want to be held in that moment again.
And again.
Sometimes I just want to be back in that moment, because, for that moment, life was unlike it was at any other moment.
It was perfect.
And I sat there, and I looked at the stars, and I looked at the people around me,
(most I didn't know and would never know again)
and just knew that I had it so good.
And we sat. And offered me his chair.
And stood there, at my eye's level, and looked and smiled.
And I knew.
And he held me. Even when we walked.
Hands clenched in hands. Holding on to me as if afraid to lose me.
And for that moment, I was all that mattered.
The giggling. The looks all night long.
There's something so comforting in knowing it's all yours.
So tonight, I sit.
And I'm brought back to the ocean.
The sounds of the waves.
You letting me be goofy, and joining me in my glory.
Looking far over the water and seeing nothing.
Nothing but us.
And the ocean.
In that moment.
For that moment, we were invincible.
We were one.
You held on to me close.
I was yours.
The moment lasted all night.
All it took was that first smile and you were hooked.
That moment.
I want to be held in that moment again.
And again.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Hump Day in the District
I just woke up from a fabulous nap. Ever do that? Take a nap that feels so good, that when you wake up, you feel like, "wow, that nap rocked"? Yeah it was that good.
Apparently someone up there likes me. I ended up not going to work today because there temps in doing the work, and not much else for me to do. So, feeling all swank, I went and bought a wireless keyboard from the Apple store for my laptop. Which is alive again, but I'm planning on having looked at after my little spill last night. I'm such an ass. I was also feeling like a chef today and make real quesadillas, like in the frying pan and everything! I made a chicken and cheese quesadilla and it turned out amazing. I also completely cleaned my entire room to make room for all the crap that I'm moving over from the Del Ray house (yes I have yet to move everything because I'm lazy and have nowhere to put it). That's being done tonight. Woohoo.
Last night rocked. Thanks to Steph for the invite- though I've decided that me and Steph going out is dangerous, though fun as hell! I also had dinner with my big which was yummy and so cool to hang out with her again- I didn't realize how much I missed her until I was sitting across from her, laughing and gossiping as usual.
So I had a productive past 2 days. That leaves moving boxes and packing. Not that I have a lot of packing to do for CT, knowing me I will end up throwing most of it in the back of my car, but I have to pack all my cruise stuff. Don't worry, I'm not complaining, but I am a pretty bad packer, I get packing ADD. My mom made me make a list. I'm the list queen I know.
Tomorrow's my last day of my internship. Today I had to write a recommendation letter. Apparently this is normal, writing your OWN letter. Then my boss will sign it and give me lots of copies, as well as a digital copy if I run out. She's awesome. I think the letter turned out alright, it was the first one I've written, and my dad helped me, but it seemed decent, and I'm sure I can get Nikki (my boss) to revise it some more as well. Crazy to think three months of working is gone. I complained, but I did enjoy the job, and I'm walking away with a ton learned. It'll be a good, fun last day, cause the whole marketing dept is going to see Hootie and the Blowfish at Wolf Trap tomorrow night, so we're all leaving work early and picnicing. And I have a feeling they're going to try and get me tanked- the VP of Marketing told me last weekend I should plan on sleeping at her house cause she lives nearby, HAHA!
Anyway, I think I'm close to the end of this entry. I hope y'all got to be outside for at least a little time today, the weather is absolutely gorgeous out there, truly a beautiful day in the neighborhood!
Things to be happy about:
- GREAT naps
- Quesadillas you make yourself
- playing with a new puppy
I think I'm gonna grab a fountain soda at McDonald's before I head to the house. I absolutely love their fountain soda. Yeah I know I'm a special snowflake.
2 days until I see Jamie---3 days until CT---11 days until the cruise....
Apparently someone up there likes me. I ended up not going to work today because there temps in doing the work, and not much else for me to do. So, feeling all swank, I went and bought a wireless keyboard from the Apple store for my laptop. Which is alive again, but I'm planning on having looked at after my little spill last night. I'm such an ass. I was also feeling like a chef today and make real quesadillas, like in the frying pan and everything! I made a chicken and cheese quesadilla and it turned out amazing. I also completely cleaned my entire room to make room for all the crap that I'm moving over from the Del Ray house (yes I have yet to move everything because I'm lazy and have nowhere to put it). That's being done tonight. Woohoo.
Last night rocked. Thanks to Steph for the invite- though I've decided that me and Steph going out is dangerous, though fun as hell! I also had dinner with my big which was yummy and so cool to hang out with her again- I didn't realize how much I missed her until I was sitting across from her, laughing and gossiping as usual.
So I had a productive past 2 days. That leaves moving boxes and packing. Not that I have a lot of packing to do for CT, knowing me I will end up throwing most of it in the back of my car, but I have to pack all my cruise stuff. Don't worry, I'm not complaining, but I am a pretty bad packer, I get packing ADD. My mom made me make a list. I'm the list queen I know.
Tomorrow's my last day of my internship. Today I had to write a recommendation letter. Apparently this is normal, writing your OWN letter. Then my boss will sign it and give me lots of copies, as well as a digital copy if I run out. She's awesome. I think the letter turned out alright, it was the first one I've written, and my dad helped me, but it seemed decent, and I'm sure I can get Nikki (my boss) to revise it some more as well. Crazy to think three months of working is gone. I complained, but I did enjoy the job, and I'm walking away with a ton learned. It'll be a good, fun last day, cause the whole marketing dept is going to see Hootie and the Blowfish at Wolf Trap tomorrow night, so we're all leaving work early and picnicing. And I have a feeling they're going to try and get me tanked- the VP of Marketing told me last weekend I should plan on sleeping at her house cause she lives nearby, HAHA!
Anyway, I think I'm close to the end of this entry. I hope y'all got to be outside for at least a little time today, the weather is absolutely gorgeous out there, truly a beautiful day in the neighborhood!
Things to be happy about:
- GREAT naps
- Quesadillas you make yourself
- playing with a new puppy
I think I'm gonna grab a fountain soda at McDonald's before I head to the house. I absolutely love their fountain soda. Yeah I know I'm a special snowflake.
2 days until I see Jamie---3 days until CT---11 days until the cruise....
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Beautiful
I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart,
I am never without it,
anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling ,
I fear No fate ,
for you are my fate, my sweet,
I want No world ,for beautiful you are my world, my true,
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows ,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud,
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart ,I carry it in my heart.
I carry it in my heart,
I am never without it,
anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling ,
I fear No fate ,
for you are my fate, my sweet,
I want No world ,for beautiful you are my world, my true,
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows ,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud,
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart ,I carry it in my heart.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
The First Roommate Rant...
So here comes the first rant about my new roommate, Brittany. We share a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.
It's ok for her to ask favors of me and expect them to get done, but God forbid I ask anything of her. Like cleaning all her crap out of the living room, something I've been asking her to do for 4 weeks now. IT WILL GET DONE TODAY.
She's SUCH a story teller too. Embellishes all her stories, and will change them. Like stories about boys, she makes the guys say all thie stuff so it looks like they like her and stuff. And I call her on it all the time.
And she makes all these comments that are so wrong. Like "I can't sleep all day." SHE SLEEPS ALL DAY EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. And she thinks she's so responsible- she is never on time for work. Ever. She left here the other morning at 8:30, the time she's supposed to be in work. And tries to act like she's all high and mighty. She's a dumbass.
And she thinks she's soo smart and knows so much. And she really doesn't. But she always has to be right and have the last word. Evewn when I'm right. And won't admit when she's wrong. But I have to.
And she's getting fatter. And wears clothing that makes her look fat, and the way she's carrying it she looks pregnant. And when we go out she like doesn't wear bras and she thinks she has great boobs, but she doesn't and at the age of 20 they are sagging and her shirts don't fit so it looks like she's going to fall out- I mean her shirts pretty much cover her nipples. It's gross and I find it appalling and completely unladylike. Save it for a bar, not lunch out in Bethesda.
and she thinks shes so hot and walks like shes hot shit and shes really not at all
like when shes sitting there talking to you her neck fat is just everywhere. I can't really look at her right now it's gross. And she has gross feet. She really needs to work out.
AND I try to get her to go to the gym with me
but's she's a total lazy ass, eats crap food all the time, and does nothing. stays in her room all weekend and when she gets hom from work just goes in her room or spends time on the couch. guess it's not easy being spoiled. and her laziness rubs off on me and I refuse to let it rub off on me anymore.
ok im done now.
It's ok for her to ask favors of me and expect them to get done, but God forbid I ask anything of her. Like cleaning all her crap out of the living room, something I've been asking her to do for 4 weeks now. IT WILL GET DONE TODAY.
She's SUCH a story teller too. Embellishes all her stories, and will change them. Like stories about boys, she makes the guys say all thie stuff so it looks like they like her and stuff. And I call her on it all the time.
And she makes all these comments that are so wrong. Like "I can't sleep all day." SHE SLEEPS ALL DAY EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. And she thinks she's so responsible- she is never on time for work. Ever. She left here the other morning at 8:30, the time she's supposed to be in work. And tries to act like she's all high and mighty. She's a dumbass.
And she thinks she's soo smart and knows so much. And she really doesn't. But she always has to be right and have the last word. Evewn when I'm right. And won't admit when she's wrong. But I have to.
And she's getting fatter. And wears clothing that makes her look fat, and the way she's carrying it she looks pregnant. And when we go out she like doesn't wear bras and she thinks she has great boobs, but she doesn't and at the age of 20 they are sagging and her shirts don't fit so it looks like she's going to fall out- I mean her shirts pretty much cover her nipples. It's gross and I find it appalling and completely unladylike. Save it for a bar, not lunch out in Bethesda.
and she thinks shes so hot and walks like shes hot shit and shes really not at all
like when shes sitting there talking to you her neck fat is just everywhere. I can't really look at her right now it's gross. And she has gross feet. She really needs to work out.
AND I try to get her to go to the gym with me
but's she's a total lazy ass, eats crap food all the time, and does nothing. stays in her room all weekend and when she gets hom from work just goes in her room or spends time on the couch. guess it's not easy being spoiled. and her laziness rubs off on me and I refuse to let it rub off on me anymore.
ok im done now.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Mmm Pickles
So I got 2 pickles sitting next to me while I type this entry. I like pickles. They taste good. And they have 5 calories each. Woohoo!
I have become a woman obsessed. I will feel better about who I am. I will be confident when I go out. I will not have weeks like last week anymore. And if it seems like I will, I will do a much better job controlling the situation so I don't feel like I did.
I had a big change in myself after last week. I needed to. I have refocused myself on myself- spending more time preparing for the LSATs and working out and doing what I need to be happy and not worrying about other people. Because that's the only way I'm going to feel better.
I also made a friend online in Norway. I miss Europe and need to go back so badly, and I enjoy our late night chats, goofing around and just being friends across the big pond. It's an new, fun experience.
I began talking to a new guy on Sunday night. He's older and seems mature, and I have been enjoying talking to him. We talked until 2 AM on Sunday night, and last night we talked until 1 AM. He asked me to meet up with him on Thursday night, so I am very looking forward to that. And I've been good. I haven't been too pushy or gotten ahead of myself with this one. And I will go to meet him on Thursday night and not seem too excited or desperate or obsessed. I will be confident and will enjoy his company, and hopefully something will grow from it. I think this is the best attitude to have towards the entire situation- especially since I've never been on a date, ever.
These pickles are really good, if you were wondering.
So, yeah, that's a good summation of what's going on in my head. Though I am pretty worried about what he''ll think of me when he sees me for the first time after talking to me online. I hope he's not disappointed. I think he could be good for me.
I'm also pretty worried about the LSATs. I haven't been spending enough time studying and I need to turn that around. I really need to kick this test's butt in September.
I just need to keep my eye on the prize. 54 days until my cruise.
I have become a woman obsessed. I will feel better about who I am. I will be confident when I go out. I will not have weeks like last week anymore. And if it seems like I will, I will do a much better job controlling the situation so I don't feel like I did.
I had a big change in myself after last week. I needed to. I have refocused myself on myself- spending more time preparing for the LSATs and working out and doing what I need to be happy and not worrying about other people. Because that's the only way I'm going to feel better.
I also made a friend online in Norway. I miss Europe and need to go back so badly, and I enjoy our late night chats, goofing around and just being friends across the big pond. It's an new, fun experience.
I began talking to a new guy on Sunday night. He's older and seems mature, and I have been enjoying talking to him. We talked until 2 AM on Sunday night, and last night we talked until 1 AM. He asked me to meet up with him on Thursday night, so I am very looking forward to that. And I've been good. I haven't been too pushy or gotten ahead of myself with this one. And I will go to meet him on Thursday night and not seem too excited or desperate or obsessed. I will be confident and will enjoy his company, and hopefully something will grow from it. I think this is the best attitude to have towards the entire situation- especially since I've never been on a date, ever.
These pickles are really good, if you were wondering.
So, yeah, that's a good summation of what's going on in my head. Though I am pretty worried about what he''ll think of me when he sees me for the first time after talking to me online. I hope he's not disappointed. I think he could be good for me.
I'm also pretty worried about the LSATs. I haven't been spending enough time studying and I need to turn that around. I really need to kick this test's butt in September.
I just need to keep my eye on the prize. 54 days until my cruise.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
We might as well...
I'm lonely. I feel so empty inside. I don't even know how to be happy right now.
When is it my turn? To feel so happy. To feel what it's like to have someone really care for me. And want to call me. And be with me.
The gym has become my escape. When I'm there I don't think much about everything that is bothering me right now.
I think I f-ck up everything for myself. I get too excited. I think too deep. I feel too much.
That's my problem. I think it stems from my creativity. I know I've always been creative, that's why I loved all my art classes and creating all the clay pieces I did during my senior year, and all that I went through with my drawing classes. It was an outlet. Cause I could go in there, and drawing a chair differently than everyone else was ok, because it was how I saw it that day at that time, and my emotions went into it, always. Now I don't have the creative outlet anymore. And I don't have tennis every day, either. Where I could go work it all out, or just not even deal with it for an hour so. The gym has become the place where I can try and work out some of my frustrations.
He gave up on me before he gave me a true chance. What is wrong with me? There's only so many times I can say to myself "his loss," or "he doesn't know what he's missing." When is it my turn?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore. I want so much, and I want nothing at all. I know what my heart wants, and my brain keeps telling me how I can't have it. Why I won't have it. The fight between my brain and my heart is starting to get the best of me.
I don't want to be depressed again. But, it's harder and harder to fight every day. And people around me are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right with me. My dreams are better than real life again.
I need the strength to fight this.
And when I call the people who I thought cared, they don't answer, and they don't return my calls. They don't even call or IM. EVER.
Going to the airport and leaving the country for Australia is starting to look better and better. No one knows me there.
When is it my turn? To feel so happy. To feel what it's like to have someone really care for me. And want to call me. And be with me.
The gym has become my escape. When I'm there I don't think much about everything that is bothering me right now.
I think I f-ck up everything for myself. I get too excited. I think too deep. I feel too much.
That's my problem. I think it stems from my creativity. I know I've always been creative, that's why I loved all my art classes and creating all the clay pieces I did during my senior year, and all that I went through with my drawing classes. It was an outlet. Cause I could go in there, and drawing a chair differently than everyone else was ok, because it was how I saw it that day at that time, and my emotions went into it, always. Now I don't have the creative outlet anymore. And I don't have tennis every day, either. Where I could go work it all out, or just not even deal with it for an hour so. The gym has become the place where I can try and work out some of my frustrations.
He gave up on me before he gave me a true chance. What is wrong with me? There's only so many times I can say to myself "his loss," or "he doesn't know what he's missing." When is it my turn?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore. I want so much, and I want nothing at all. I know what my heart wants, and my brain keeps telling me how I can't have it. Why I won't have it. The fight between my brain and my heart is starting to get the best of me.
I don't want to be depressed again. But, it's harder and harder to fight every day. And people around me are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right with me. My dreams are better than real life again.
I need the strength to fight this.
And when I call the people who I thought cared, they don't answer, and they don't return my calls. They don't even call or IM. EVER.
Going to the airport and leaving the country for Australia is starting to look better and better. No one knows me there.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
The easy life...for a couple hours or so
Guess what I'm doing, right this moment?!
Hehe nothing productive.
I just finished my corporate finance exam, took me about an hour, and it actually wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I definitely passed. I should get a B, B-. Turns out I knew the stuff better than I had thought. So it seems that things aren't so bad in the school arena after all.
On a less positive note, in the personal arena, things aren't going so well. I've fallen off my self-help kick, thanks in part to the crazy amount of school work. I just have to do a better job of getting things done in advance so I do have time to work out every day without feeling like I'm taking time away from school.
I am getting better about doing things in advance. I'm keeping up on converting my notes for one class so when it comes to the next exam I don't bomb it like I did the last one. It's really all about doing the little things that I never did before because they seemed so trivial. Sad to think, considering I think I do a lot of work each night.
Meh, I guess that means I should get some stuff done tonight. I will soon, I swear.
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a bunch of the kids I have multiple classes with. They were all friends before- all in the same frat- and they've become real good friends of mine. Like we have a real good time hanging out, and things just keep getting better. Like they've "accepted" me into their group, as weird as that sounds. Yes, college is a bit clicky,
as much as no one would like or wants to admit it.
I haven't forgotten about everyone else. Kim turns 21 this weekend so she can come out with us finally. It's just that, well, they don't seem to want to go out anymore, and I don't want to sit around every weekend. I want to be SOCIAL- crazy I know. Maybe they'll jump on the bandwagon soon.
Speaking of which, this weekend should be sick. Planning on going both nights. Yeah, weekend warrior I know. Friday will be more low key than Saturday night, when Kim finally turns 21. I dunno, maybe I'll stay in on Friday. Oh, I can't. Nevermind.
I think that's pretty much it. Hopefully I'll feel better about myself before we board the plane for the Bahamas in a week....
Hehe nothing productive.
I just finished my corporate finance exam, took me about an hour, and it actually wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I definitely passed. I should get a B, B-. Turns out I knew the stuff better than I had thought. So it seems that things aren't so bad in the school arena after all.
On a less positive note, in the personal arena, things aren't going so well. I've fallen off my self-help kick, thanks in part to the crazy amount of school work. I just have to do a better job of getting things done in advance so I do have time to work out every day without feeling like I'm taking time away from school.
I am getting better about doing things in advance. I'm keeping up on converting my notes for one class so when it comes to the next exam I don't bomb it like I did the last one. It's really all about doing the little things that I never did before because they seemed so trivial. Sad to think, considering I think I do a lot of work each night.
Meh, I guess that means I should get some stuff done tonight. I will soon, I swear.
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a bunch of the kids I have multiple classes with. They were all friends before- all in the same frat- and they've become real good friends of mine. Like we have a real good time hanging out, and things just keep getting better. Like they've "accepted" me into their group, as weird as that sounds. Yes, college is a bit clicky,
as much as no one would like or wants to admit it.
I haven't forgotten about everyone else. Kim turns 21 this weekend so she can come out with us finally. It's just that, well, they don't seem to want to go out anymore, and I don't want to sit around every weekend. I want to be SOCIAL- crazy I know. Maybe they'll jump on the bandwagon soon.
Speaking of which, this weekend should be sick. Planning on going both nights. Yeah, weekend warrior I know. Friday will be more low key than Saturday night, when Kim finally turns 21. I dunno, maybe I'll stay in on Friday. Oh, I can't. Nevermind.
I think that's pretty much it. Hopefully I'll feel better about myself before we board the plane for the Bahamas in a week....
Monday, February 27, 2006
1 Day Down.....
So, one exam down, two to go. And four days left in this school week.
I think today's exam went really well. I was definitely prepeared for it. Always a good feeling. That leaves a tough one on Wednesday night. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm supposed to study in our book. Yeah yeah- go me.
I'm feeling spread very thin right now. And I feel like no matter what I do, someone is never happy. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Like, is this what life is- one unsatisfied person after the other? I sure hope not.
Anyway, not much else going on. Doing a better job of staying on top of my game. The problem lately is that I have so much on my mind I actually forget stuff- like bringing stuff when I leave the house and things like that. I have to write lists for just about everythign I do! I mean lists everywhere. This is so uncharacteristic of me.
It's about 10 o'clock now. The plan for the night is to finally clean my room because it's gross and start studying for my corporate finance exam. Gonna get up again early to start my day. I'm getting used to waking up at like 8 AM. I like being out of the house early. I get to campus and get stuff done.
Think I'll go get started on cleaning my room.
P.S.-I'm publishing this post with my new Blogger widget, and it's super cool:)
I think today's exam went really well. I was definitely prepeared for it. Always a good feeling. That leaves a tough one on Wednesday night. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm supposed to study in our book. Yeah yeah- go me.
I'm feeling spread very thin right now. And I feel like no matter what I do, someone is never happy. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Like, is this what life is- one unsatisfied person after the other? I sure hope not.
Anyway, not much else going on. Doing a better job of staying on top of my game. The problem lately is that I have so much on my mind I actually forget stuff- like bringing stuff when I leave the house and things like that. I have to write lists for just about everythign I do! I mean lists everywhere. This is so uncharacteristic of me.
It's about 10 o'clock now. The plan for the night is to finally clean my room because it's gross and start studying for my corporate finance exam. Gonna get up again early to start my day. I'm getting used to waking up at like 8 AM. I like being out of the house early. I get to campus and get stuff done.
Think I'll go get started on cleaning my room.
P.S.-I'm publishing this post with my new Blogger widget, and it's super cool:)
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Gross.
The junk food binge I just had has left me feeling gross.
I have 2 pages of my 12 page study guide memorized. I wonder how long this will take me. I'm scared right now. I can't receive another crappy grade like I did on my consumer behavior exam a week ago. I can't even believe I did so badly. That is so uncharacteristic of me. Well, I napped, and hopefully as a result I'll get a lot of studying in tonight.
I cannot wait to go to the Bahamas with my mom. In two weeks from today, I will be out partying it up.
My parents rock for surprising me with trip. They truly are wonderful people. I think they see this semester getting to me. I hope I don't fuck it up. Seriously. Six classes plus being the treasurer of the sorority is certainly taking its toll on me.
On a more positive note, I'm resolved to wake up tomorrow morning early and really start being a responsible human being again- something I have neglected for a while now. It's gonna take getting used to, but I know I can do it. I have to do it!
Anyways, I better go study more. I don't really have much more to say. I'll probably be back later though...
I have 2 pages of my 12 page study guide memorized. I wonder how long this will take me. I'm scared right now. I can't receive another crappy grade like I did on my consumer behavior exam a week ago. I can't even believe I did so badly. That is so uncharacteristic of me. Well, I napped, and hopefully as a result I'll get a lot of studying in tonight.
I cannot wait to go to the Bahamas with my mom. In two weeks from today, I will be out partying it up.
My parents rock for surprising me with trip. They truly are wonderful people. I think they see this semester getting to me. I hope I don't fuck it up. Seriously. Six classes plus being the treasurer of the sorority is certainly taking its toll on me.
On a more positive note, I'm resolved to wake up tomorrow morning early and really start being a responsible human being again- something I have neglected for a while now. It's gonna take getting used to, but I know I can do it. I have to do it!
Anyways, I better go study more. I don't really have much more to say. I'll probably be back later though...
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
A Year Wiser....?
Here I am. 21 and smarter. Been seven months since I last updated this blogger. I intend to use this one more often, as my xanga is read by entirely way too many people, and I am unable to be truly sincere there.
Well, it's now my second semester as a junior. In an attempt to graduate on time, I'm currently taking 6 classes, and ready to pull my hair out as a result.
This semester is not going swimmingly. Not only do I have 6 classes, I am the treasurer of my sorority. Not sure what I was thinking. Another thing to add to the resume, I guess.
I used to be so on top of everything going on in my life. Like, really got things done. Now I go to sleep feeling defeated every night, and frustrated at the fact that there is so much left to the next day. I want to wake up and be accomplished.
I close my eyes. I have the sounds of the ocean playing on my Itunes. Don't think I'm one of those people, it's very relaxing.
As I said, my eyes are closed. I am brought back to the beach, St.Marten, December 27th, 2005. I'm sitting under an umbrella, the beach is quiet, listening to the water make its way back and forth, in and out. A Carib lager is in my hand. Life is wonderful I have not a care in the world. I can feel the sun on my feet as they stick out from under the protection of the umbrella. It's a comforting feeling. Knowing that there is nothing but ocean, soft sand, and and sun keeping me company as I remember why I love to be alive.
I'm never so much at home as I am when I am on the beach. I want to live in the Caribbean. I want to own a beach bar and have a wonderful husband and live a wonderful life, meeting tons of people and having great friends right where I live. I want to look out to sea every day, and know that life is amazing.
Writing this all, I can feel my hear getting heavier. I miss it so very much. My friends don't know me the way I am when I am home. How you can live there and come back north, it's beyond me. I'm doing a great job of it, but. I'm thinking of saving my money and just going somewhere. Just making friends when I get there to stay with. Taking risks, being rebellious of my parents.
Makes me think of Yusuf from South Africa. I should email him again and see whatever happened to him. I hope I'm not responsible.
Now I'm sitting on the deck of the ship as we pull out of St. Marten, the sun setting on the horizon. The deck is quiet now, and it's just me wrapped in my towel and listening to my music.
That is what life is all about. Those moments. I need to cherish them more.
Well, it's now my second semester as a junior. In an attempt to graduate on time, I'm currently taking 6 classes, and ready to pull my hair out as a result.
This semester is not going swimmingly. Not only do I have 6 classes, I am the treasurer of my sorority. Not sure what I was thinking. Another thing to add to the resume, I guess.
I used to be so on top of everything going on in my life. Like, really got things done. Now I go to sleep feeling defeated every night, and frustrated at the fact that there is so much left to the next day. I want to wake up and be accomplished.
I close my eyes. I have the sounds of the ocean playing on my Itunes. Don't think I'm one of those people, it's very relaxing.
As I said, my eyes are closed. I am brought back to the beach, St.Marten, December 27th, 2005. I'm sitting under an umbrella, the beach is quiet, listening to the water make its way back and forth, in and out. A Carib lager is in my hand. Life is wonderful I have not a care in the world. I can feel the sun on my feet as they stick out from under the protection of the umbrella. It's a comforting feeling. Knowing that there is nothing but ocean, soft sand, and and sun keeping me company as I remember why I love to be alive.
I'm never so much at home as I am when I am on the beach. I want to live in the Caribbean. I want to own a beach bar and have a wonderful husband and live a wonderful life, meeting tons of people and having great friends right where I live. I want to look out to sea every day, and know that life is amazing.
Writing this all, I can feel my hear getting heavier. I miss it so very much. My friends don't know me the way I am when I am home. How you can live there and come back north, it's beyond me. I'm doing a great job of it, but. I'm thinking of saving my money and just going somewhere. Just making friends when I get there to stay with. Taking risks, being rebellious of my parents.
Makes me think of Yusuf from South Africa. I should email him again and see whatever happened to him. I hope I'm not responsible.
Now I'm sitting on the deck of the ship as we pull out of St. Marten, the sun setting on the horizon. The deck is quiet now, and it's just me wrapped in my towel and listening to my music.
That is what life is all about. Those moments. I need to cherish them more.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Rambling
I'm sitting here, thinking a lot as I wait for my dad to be done with his conference call. Yes I am just that cool.
I'm ready for so much more. I feel like I am ready to be responsible. More so than I have been in 2 years of college. I better be ready. This year I am taking on the burden of paying bills and rent, and a babysitting job four times a week, plus probably some weekend babysitting jobs every now and then. That alone will make me really be responsible, I hope.
I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like I'm very ready to have a meaningful relationship with a guy. I'm not talking marriage, just meaningful. Unlike anything I've had up to this point. Hell, I've never been on a real date in my life. I have to say, though, that things are looking up in this department. This guy, I think things will work out when we finally meet. While we have not officially met- as in we have not met in person- we learn more about each other every time we speak. He's a gentleman, and he's not a college guy- he calls when he says he will! Haha but seriously, I enjoy speaking to him, he makes me laugh, he's super nice, and he just seems like an all-around great guy. Unfortunately we won't be back in DC at the same time until September 5th, so I am counting down the days until then. I really think he could be a good thing for me. It's the type of thing I need- I won't see him every day, won't be able to talk to him all day, and I won't be able to expect these things from him. Which is the type of relationship I think I need. One where when we see each other it's real special and where he looks forward to seeing me and we go out and do things together.
I need to stop talking about this or it will never happen.
My self-control is getting much better. I lost it for the past 2 weeks but I'm back on top of it. Just need to get myself to start going to the gym again too. We're looking at a outlook-on-life-overhaul I think. Perhaps even becoming a little more feminine. But it had to happen eventually. I have to thank my mom and dad for not pushing me to be something I wasn't, because as a result I feel I am turning into a very classy woman. At least I like to think I am.
Back to DC a week from tomorrow. Classes begin in 17 days. Scary to think it's my junior year. That I've changed so much in 2 years. I hope college has the positive effect on my sister as it has had on me. I really hope she doesn't mess up down in Florida. Mom and dad are real worried. They say I was ready for college, and that she isn't. Needless to say, they will be keeping a tight eye on her this first semester.
Don't know what else to say. I'm ready to be back in DC. For life to begin again there.
I'm ready for so much more. I feel like I am ready to be responsible. More so than I have been in 2 years of college. I better be ready. This year I am taking on the burden of paying bills and rent, and a babysitting job four times a week, plus probably some weekend babysitting jobs every now and then. That alone will make me really be responsible, I hope.
I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like I'm very ready to have a meaningful relationship with a guy. I'm not talking marriage, just meaningful. Unlike anything I've had up to this point. Hell, I've never been on a real date in my life. I have to say, though, that things are looking up in this department. This guy, I think things will work out when we finally meet. While we have not officially met- as in we have not met in person- we learn more about each other every time we speak. He's a gentleman, and he's not a college guy- he calls when he says he will! Haha but seriously, I enjoy speaking to him, he makes me laugh, he's super nice, and he just seems like an all-around great guy. Unfortunately we won't be back in DC at the same time until September 5th, so I am counting down the days until then. I really think he could be a good thing for me. It's the type of thing I need- I won't see him every day, won't be able to talk to him all day, and I won't be able to expect these things from him. Which is the type of relationship I think I need. One where when we see each other it's real special and where he looks forward to seeing me and we go out and do things together.
I need to stop talking about this or it will never happen.
My self-control is getting much better. I lost it for the past 2 weeks but I'm back on top of it. Just need to get myself to start going to the gym again too. We're looking at a outlook-on-life-overhaul I think. Perhaps even becoming a little more feminine. But it had to happen eventually. I have to thank my mom and dad for not pushing me to be something I wasn't, because as a result I feel I am turning into a very classy woman. At least I like to think I am.
Back to DC a week from tomorrow. Classes begin in 17 days. Scary to think it's my junior year. That I've changed so much in 2 years. I hope college has the positive effect on my sister as it has had on me. I really hope she doesn't mess up down in Florida. Mom and dad are real worried. They say I was ready for college, and that she isn't. Needless to say, they will be keeping a tight eye on her this first semester.
Don't know what else to say. I'm ready to be back in DC. For life to begin again there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)