We might as well...

I'm lonely. I feel so empty inside. I don't even know how to be happy right now.
When is it my turn? To feel so happy. To feel what it's like to have someone really care for me. And want to call me. And be with me.
The gym has become my escape. When I'm there I don't think much about everything that is bothering me right now.
I think I f-ck up everything for myself. I get too excited. I think too deep. I feel too much.
That's my problem. I think it stems from my creativity. I know I've always been creative, that's why I loved all my art classes and creating all the clay pieces I did during my senior year, and all that I went through with my drawing classes. It was an outlet. Cause I could go in there, and drawing a chair differently than everyone else was ok, because it was how I saw it that day at that time, and my emotions went into it, always. Now I don't have the creative outlet anymore. And I don't have tennis every day, either. Where I could go work it all out, or just not even deal with it for an hour so. The gym has become the place where I can try and work out some of my frustrations.
He gave up on me before he gave me a true chance. What is wrong with me? There's only so many times I can say to myself "his loss," or "he doesn't know what he's missing." When is it my turn?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore. I want so much, and I want nothing at all. I know what my heart wants, and my brain keeps telling me how I can't have it. Why I won't have it. The fight between my brain and my heart is starting to get the best of me.
I don't want to be depressed again. But, it's harder and harder to fight every day. And people around me are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right with me. My dreams are better than real life again.
I need the strength to fight this.
And when I call the people who I thought cared, they don't answer, and they don't return my calls. They don't even call or IM. EVER.
Going to the airport and leaving the country for Australia is starting to look better and better. No one knows me there.