I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now...

So, listening to this song last Wednesday night was a fun experience, but it's somewhat sad to me that it applies to my life right now. Ok, maybe I am not completely miserable, but I was this weekend, and I am working to not be miserable, as hard as that is for me right now.

According to my widget (yes I am a MacBook user), miserable means wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable. So, based on this definition, I have been miserable three times in my life. Sophomore year of high school when I first came to terms with the fact that I do indeed feel more and see more of the world around me, and see it better and more truthfully than anyone else my age (something I'm not proud of, ignorance is bliss). The second time being when I had knee surgery my senior year- no explanation needed, you try not being able to walk for 6 months. The third time being when I gave up the one thing that had made me so happy since I was 6- tennis- at the end of frosh year of college.

This, my friends, is the fourth time.

Don't get me wrong, there has been a ton of great moments this semester- Union Jack's is always a good time for me and whoever joins me, broomball was fabulous, mixers rocked, being with my sisters, Miami. These are weekend/night things, events that only last a couple hours and become another one of my favorite memories from my last year of my undergraduate career.

But, I have hit rock bottom. I'm in a place I know all too well, and I am not a fan of it one bit. If there are any of you who actually do read this, please don't be worried. If you know me well, you know that I am indeed working on turning this all around, and will do my absolute best to keep my head up right now. Also, know that there are some of you that are the reason I keep going, and it is none of you that have caused me to be in this place. You all, funny enough, keep me insane.

Having said all of this, I know that deep down, the things causing me to be so upset are really trivial in the grand scheme of things- it's the point that I work so hard, or like to think I do, and really do not see any returns on my hard work (sorry to bring out the business analogies). It's results that keep us going in life, and a lack thereof makes waking up before 1 PM a tough endeavor for yours truly.

Yah, I could throw out the depression word right now. I'm not proud of it, but it's not something I'm afraid of talking about. In fact, I know I'm a strong person because of the fact that I can accept my current situation and vow to no be depressed anymore. This is a very hard thing, however, when you've been diagnosed with having a chemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to sometimes have absolutely no control over your emotions (think beer tears or the things you do while drunk, except I am sober and being aware of what is going and not being able to change it is 10 times scarier than being drunk and acting out).

But, I have a lot to live for. And yeah, it's gonna be 5 weeks of hell, but I'm heeding words collected from my father over the years:
"You can sleep when you're dead" ---ok haven't heeded this yet, my dreams are better than reality these days....
"Plan your work and work your plan"---this is a saying I really like.

So, it's back to lists upon lists of goals and things to get done and the infamous L-School crap. I refuse to say that L word right now, and no one better ask me about it or say the word. Period.

With all that out of my system, I've accepted the reality of the situation with a certain someone. Despite what has gone on over the past 2 months- which really has been fun- I guess being friends is what I have to settle for. And yet, this is what I feel I am ALWAYS settling for. Good at friendship. GREAT at friendship. When's it my turn?

"In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?"

A little dramatic, but we're all allowed our moments, no?

I can talk to him about nothing and everything for hours. I can just look at him, into his eyes, and be content. I can be silly around him and he likes it. He calls me "good people" and "a very likeable person." What does that even mean?

I've always been attracted to older guys, but usually they have a little more direction, which makes sense since I have more direction than mapquest.

Or, at least I thought I did. I'm so intrigued by him. I've never seen him in a bad mood, he's always in good spirits. He laughs a lot. He has a good attitude all the time---how does he do that?

Well, it's 4PM. I woke up at 1, had some lunch, and have done nothing really productive, other than find a tutor. Don't ask.

5 weeks. He leaves November 15th. I don't know how I feel about that...

So my heart was broken last night.

Yeah ok I am not proud of it, it happens too often to me, but it's a blog right? I can write about whatever I want.

It's really my fault for letting my heart get broken- I really should have known better. But boy, it hurt. And of course, I remedied the situation by drinking and going to Union Jack's with the brother. Why did I let it happen though? I should have not fallen for him, and once again I did, but gah, he just needs to leave already. And then the bouncer (who's in love with me) didn't help so much by telling me things that made me feel worse in my poor decision to fall for this guy.

But I guess that's my thing, falling for the wrong guys. But I am so over this. When's it my turn to find a right guy? I don't need to find THE right guy, I am only 22, but it scares me because at this age I haven't had one single meaningful relationship, and how am I supposed to know when the right guy actually comes along? Will I know something good when it actually comes along?

It's all very confusing and frustrating and I'm really not sure where to go from here. There's one interest, but I am completely clueless on how to go about pursuing this one. Why can't I be pursued once in a while? That would feel so good...

Anyways, there's around 50 something days left in this semester. Which leaves one more full semester of my undergraduate career here at American. And, I have to say, I'm beginning to get very nostalgic and beginning to miss it all.

I'm one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay around for a reason. There's a huge reason he's in my life.

We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of sophomore year, and in the beginning he was his pompous self, but I challenged him, and we hit it off. And he's been a fixture in my life ever since. There's a deep bond that can't be broken by anything. Not me wigging out on him or him disappearing for weeks. I know I can call him or IM him and eventually reach him. And he'll be there for me. Like he was last night. He can always make me laugh, and we always have a good time together.

We're both at pretty confusting stages in our lives. I'm getting ready to apply to law schools, with my #1 choice being thousands of miles away in Miami, and he will be here. He's looking for a job and dealing with life after college. And both of us have the problem of ultimately being too nice, even in our mean, selfish moments.

Sometimes I wonder if there could ever be anything between him and I. Not because I'm attracted to him or have a crush on him. It's more that there's already such a great relationship between the 2 of us, I wonder if it would be even better if we got together and had the romance part there as well. I think we'd be good for each other, but who really knows. Guess I shouldn't really dwell on it.

I should just focus on myself and Law School. This whole application process is bad deja vu from applying to undergrad. I can't believe I'm getting my scores back tomorrow....

Sunday

Ever wake up and find you are already plagued by thoughts and realities that, 1) you don't really want to think about or come to terms with 2) you just can't understand why this always happens to you?

That's me since I woke up 28 minutes ago.

I guess I'm really at a loss. He texted me last night to let me know he was DJing down the street (as per usual) and yet never invited me or anything. At one point he mentioned how it was was quiet last night, but like I said, no invite. I don't know if there was a hint or anything in there, but, with what we've been through, you'd think him and I were passed hints and stupid crap like that. Apparently not. Of course, I also think I make the right decision of not going either way; as nice as it would have been to see him I didn't really feel like being somewhat ignored.

But I guess that's all it is- perhaps there really is nothing between him and I. Maybe it really was one awesome night back in August, followed by a couple of days of "why me again?" feelings (well, trust me they didn't last long, I hooked up with 2 other guys right after him), then an awkward, unanticipated reunion, followed by talking again, seeing him 3 nights in a row, with him staying over last weekend and our whole saga getting deeper. It ends with him staying over on Wednesday night, a really nice night filled with tennis, ice cream sundaes, and cuddling til 3 AM. Saw him Thursday night, nothing special there, and that's been it since 3 days ago.

So, someone please make sense of this all. Good times there, right? But he does leave for officer training school on November 15th, and won't be back for a couple of months- so maybe he's just enjoying himself? And maybe I should too.

To be quite honest- while you may not beleive me- I'm not as broken up as I could be, as I usually am. Maybe I have finally accepted it for what it is- a fling. But at the same time, I really enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being around me too. Soemtimes I think it's just cause he's a generally nice person, and I look at him and think, yeah he is real nice and not the best looking guy, so I shouldn't worry. Then there's always the wonder of, well if I am not there, who's he flirting with tonight? So I really just don't know.

Yeah, it's all awfully confusing, isn't it? I guess I should just focus on myself right now- school and health and AHH law school. Dammit I forgot about that.

Maybe there is no time for him right now. For DJs and sagas and flings and all that jazz. But even so, I wish I knew more about how he really felt...but the truth does hurt....