Mmm Pickles

So I got 2 pickles sitting next to me while I type this entry. I like pickles. They taste good. And they have 5 calories each. Woohoo!

I have become a woman obsessed. I will feel better about who I am. I will be confident when I go out. I will not have weeks like last week anymore. And if it seems like I will, I will do a much better job controlling the situation so I don't feel like I did.

I had a big change in myself after last week. I needed to. I have refocused myself on myself- spending more time preparing for the LSATs and working out and doing what I need to be happy and not worrying about other people. Because that's the only way I'm going to feel better.

I also made a friend online in Norway. I miss Europe and need to go back so badly, and I enjoy our late night chats, goofing around and just being friends across the big pond. It's an new, fun experience.

I began talking to a new guy on Sunday night. He's older and seems mature, and I have been enjoying talking to him. We talked until 2 AM on Sunday night, and last night we talked until 1 AM. He asked me to meet up with him on Thursday night, so I am very looking forward to that. And I've been good. I haven't been too pushy or gotten ahead of myself with this one. And I will go to meet him on Thursday night and not seem too excited or desperate or obsessed. I will be confident and will enjoy his company, and hopefully something will grow from it. I think this is the best attitude to have towards the entire situation- especially since I've never been on a date, ever.

These pickles are really good, if you were wondering.

So, yeah, that's a good summation of what's going on in my head. Though I am pretty worried about what he''ll think of me when he sees me for the first time after talking to me online. I hope he's not disappointed. I think he could be good for me.
I'm also pretty worried about the LSATs. I haven't been spending enough time studying and I need to turn that around. I really need to kick this test's butt in September.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize. 54 days until my cruise.

We might as well...

I'm lonely. I feel so empty inside. I don't even know how to be happy right now.
When is it my turn? To feel so happy. To feel what it's like to have someone really care for me. And want to call me. And be with me.
The gym has become my escape. When I'm there I don't think much about everything that is bothering me right now.
I think I f-ck up everything for myself. I get too excited. I think too deep. I feel too much.
That's my problem. I think it stems from my creativity. I know I've always been creative, that's why I loved all my art classes and creating all the clay pieces I did during my senior year, and all that I went through with my drawing classes. It was an outlet. Cause I could go in there, and drawing a chair differently than everyone else was ok, because it was how I saw it that day at that time, and my emotions went into it, always. Now I don't have the creative outlet anymore. And I don't have tennis every day, either. Where I could go work it all out, or just not even deal with it for an hour so. The gym has become the place where I can try and work out some of my frustrations.
He gave up on me before he gave me a true chance. What is wrong with me? There's only so many times I can say to myself "his loss," or "he doesn't know what he's missing." When is it my turn?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore. I want so much, and I want nothing at all. I know what my heart wants, and my brain keeps telling me how I can't have it. Why I won't have it. The fight between my brain and my heart is starting to get the best of me.
I don't want to be depressed again. But, it's harder and harder to fight every day. And people around me are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right with me. My dreams are better than real life again.
I need the strength to fight this.
And when I call the people who I thought cared, they don't answer, and they don't return my calls. They don't even call or IM. EVER.
Going to the airport and leaving the country for Australia is starting to look better and better. No one knows me there.