I'll tell you you're right when you're wrong...and if only you could see into me....
Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me
Oh, when you're alone, I'll be there by your side baby....
Another night down. One day closer til the end of the semester.
One day farther away from the days of no responsibility.
One more paper down. One day closer to when more papers are due.
One more test taken. One day closer to a handful of tests yet to be taken.
One more Monday gone. One day closer to the weekend.
One more day where I lacked your presence. One more day closer to the truth.
No one said life would be easy. No one knows that better than me.
One day closer to understanding what it all really means.
You think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that
Think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees...I wouldn't do that.
Late nights are my thinking times. The best thoughts come after 1 AM.
One more 1 AM gone. One day closer to another 1 AM spent on some other thought.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Happy Easter...
It's been one of those reminiscing days. Not that I wanted to reminisce. Sophomore year of high school is not something I like to re-live.
That was quite a year in my life. That year undoubtedly set me on course to become the person that I am and the person I am becoming. Oh, horrible sophomore year. A year that I was so down about life I spent most of that school year depressed. Life as I knew it sucked. To me, there was no reason to live. Sleeping was all I did, and I would cry when I'd wake up, because my dreams were so great I never wanted to wake up. I was so low, I couldn't be any lower. Months of talking to a counselor finally sorted everything in my fucked up head out. It took a while, but in the end it was worth it.
At this point, if you're even still reading, you'd probably like to know what I walked away with. Call it a cliche, but life is too short to get crazy over any one thing. Say what you want, say that you know that, but until you've wanted to end your life, until nothing mattered anymore, until you couldn't control your life or your emotions, and frankly didn't give a shit to try and control either, you will never truly understand what I'm saying. But trust me, it's soo very true, I cannot push the issue home enough.
Let me go a little more in depth. Live life for yourself. Take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will come, no matter how much work you did today, no matter who you talked to, or what you ate. Smile as much as possible. Laugh as much as possible. Have fun whenever you can. Who cares what other people think or say about you? At the end of the day, what the other students at AU say or think about you will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. I will always be as goofy and have as much fun as I can in the quad or in the dorms, and as long as I'm not hurting anyone, I will not care what other people think, because what the kid down the hall says or thinks about me won't affect if I get into law school or become a sports agent.
Take risks. Try foods that you may not necessarily like. Talk to anyone and everyone. Sleep late. Forget to do something. Spend time with the ones who really mean something. You don't always have to go out of your way for people. There's about 5 or 6, 10 at the max, people in your life who are worth dropping everything for at any moment.
Sing out loud when you feel like it. Yell to people across the quad. Laugh out loud in class if your professor says something funny. Sit in the Tavern or TDR forever shooting the shit with people. The work will always be there. You have the rest of your life to spend hours upon hours on work. Go to bed knowing that you made the most of your day, no matter what that day held. Wake up knowing that at least 1 good thing will happen to you.
And, to end this lengthy entry, be yourself. Be happy for you and no one but you. In the end, you are #1. Twenty years from now, the fact that Joe Schmoe back at good old AU didn't pay you the attention you wanted, or Suzy Sorority didn't let you in her sorority because of what you looked like will not and should not matter.
This is your life. Yours and yours alone. We all have our own mission, what we want to get out of life. This life is precious. You only have one chance to do it right. Why constantly worry about the laundry list of things that you will always have to do, when you are surrounded by some amazing people?
I don't mean to sound self-righteous and holier than now. This is the stuff I try to live by everyday.
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
Just do what YOU want. Life YOUR life the way YOU want to live it. Because in the end, that's all you have. All you have is YOU. And if you can't even count on yourself, look inside and know that this life is yours for the taking, that the world is your oyster, then you need to learn how to live.
Happy Easter Everyone.
That was quite a year in my life. That year undoubtedly set me on course to become the person that I am and the person I am becoming. Oh, horrible sophomore year. A year that I was so down about life I spent most of that school year depressed. Life as I knew it sucked. To me, there was no reason to live. Sleeping was all I did, and I would cry when I'd wake up, because my dreams were so great I never wanted to wake up. I was so low, I couldn't be any lower. Months of talking to a counselor finally sorted everything in my fucked up head out. It took a while, but in the end it was worth it.
At this point, if you're even still reading, you'd probably like to know what I walked away with. Call it a cliche, but life is too short to get crazy over any one thing. Say what you want, say that you know that, but until you've wanted to end your life, until nothing mattered anymore, until you couldn't control your life or your emotions, and frankly didn't give a shit to try and control either, you will never truly understand what I'm saying. But trust me, it's soo very true, I cannot push the issue home enough.
Let me go a little more in depth. Live life for yourself. Take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will come, no matter how much work you did today, no matter who you talked to, or what you ate. Smile as much as possible. Laugh as much as possible. Have fun whenever you can. Who cares what other people think or say about you? At the end of the day, what the other students at AU say or think about you will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. I will always be as goofy and have as much fun as I can in the quad or in the dorms, and as long as I'm not hurting anyone, I will not care what other people think, because what the kid down the hall says or thinks about me won't affect if I get into law school or become a sports agent.
Take risks. Try foods that you may not necessarily like. Talk to anyone and everyone. Sleep late. Forget to do something. Spend time with the ones who really mean something. You don't always have to go out of your way for people. There's about 5 or 6, 10 at the max, people in your life who are worth dropping everything for at any moment.
Sing out loud when you feel like it. Yell to people across the quad. Laugh out loud in class if your professor says something funny. Sit in the Tavern or TDR forever shooting the shit with people. The work will always be there. You have the rest of your life to spend hours upon hours on work. Go to bed knowing that you made the most of your day, no matter what that day held. Wake up knowing that at least 1 good thing will happen to you.
And, to end this lengthy entry, be yourself. Be happy for you and no one but you. In the end, you are #1. Twenty years from now, the fact that Joe Schmoe back at good old AU didn't pay you the attention you wanted, or Suzy Sorority didn't let you in her sorority because of what you looked like will not and should not matter.
This is your life. Yours and yours alone. We all have our own mission, what we want to get out of life. This life is precious. You only have one chance to do it right. Why constantly worry about the laundry list of things that you will always have to do, when you are surrounded by some amazing people?
I don't mean to sound self-righteous and holier than now. This is the stuff I try to live by everyday.
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
Just do what YOU want. Life YOUR life the way YOU want to live it. Because in the end, that's all you have. All you have is YOU. And if you can't even count on yourself, look inside and know that this life is yours for the taking, that the world is your oyster, then you need to learn how to live.
Happy Easter Everyone.
2:15 AM. Sunday the 27th...
Well, For some reason I decided to do homework tonight. Thus far I've knocked out Monday's lab report, and have made all my flashcards to study for Monday's Bio test. Woohoo. This is my break.
It was a trying week in the emotional end of my life, though I think at this point, I can say that my getting all emotional was uncalled for, probably not necessary. But sometimes it happens. We all have our weak moments. I had one on Thursday night. But it's over with, and life is normal.
We're getting into crunch time of the semester. Yuck. Everyone's getting a little more stressed, though I find no reason to be completely stressed. One day at a time, I'll get everything done that needs to be done. Hopefully this mentality will rub off on some of my friends and help them out a bit. Good luck to everyone anyway!
Definitely drank TOO much last night. Gonna take a couple of weeks off, maybe more. Like I said, one day at a time.
"Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me." This song explains me big time.
I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I could read him. And I can't at all. Isn't it always funny how you may have the ability to read people like a book, but when it comes to someone you have more-than-friend feelings for, you're completely lost? That's me. I can figure anybody out relatively easily and quickly. Not this one.
At the same time, everyone around me is happy. People seem to be pretty happy. And that makes me happy. Because we all know I get upset and take it personally when people aren't happy. I need to stop that horrible habit, by the way. Hmm, I wonder if my suitemates are asleep, I want to take a shower. I like showering this late. Makes me feel good before going to sleep. But who knows when that will be since I slept most of the day. Need to stop that horrible habit too.
Well now I'm rambling. But it's a journal, I suppose I'm allowed to ramble...
It was a trying week in the emotional end of my life, though I think at this point, I can say that my getting all emotional was uncalled for, probably not necessary. But sometimes it happens. We all have our weak moments. I had one on Thursday night. But it's over with, and life is normal.
We're getting into crunch time of the semester. Yuck. Everyone's getting a little more stressed, though I find no reason to be completely stressed. One day at a time, I'll get everything done that needs to be done. Hopefully this mentality will rub off on some of my friends and help them out a bit. Good luck to everyone anyway!
Definitely drank TOO much last night. Gonna take a couple of weeks off, maybe more. Like I said, one day at a time.
"Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me." This song explains me big time.
I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I could read him. And I can't at all. Isn't it always funny how you may have the ability to read people like a book, but when it comes to someone you have more-than-friend feelings for, you're completely lost? That's me. I can figure anybody out relatively easily and quickly. Not this one.
At the same time, everyone around me is happy. People seem to be pretty happy. And that makes me happy. Because we all know I get upset and take it personally when people aren't happy. I need to stop that horrible habit, by the way. Hmm, I wonder if my suitemates are asleep, I want to take a shower. I like showering this late. Makes me feel good before going to sleep. But who knows when that will be since I slept most of the day. Need to stop that horrible habit too.
Well now I'm rambling. But it's a journal, I suppose I'm allowed to ramble...
Thursday, March 24, 2005
"Always Better When We're Together..."
Just another day passing by. Another day in which I'm just content. For the most part. One thing is still bothering the heck out of me. And it's no one in particular. The war wages on inside my head, me against me.
I played tennis outside for an hour yesterday. And today's blood blisters and severe pain in muscles I haven't used in a while is so very worth it. I miss it so much. I'm actually going to start practicing with the team. She needs more people for the girls to hit with. May as well bring back someone who was on the team to hit. It'll be funny if I can take some of them...gonna take me a couple more days to get back into the real swing of things on the court- no pun intended.
My accounting test raped me tonight. Guess I couldn't keep on getting good grades ALL semester. Everyone thought it sucked. So glad to know that my 5 hours of studying didn't seem to help much...ehh, there's always one.
Easter weekend. Dad's turning 47. Crazy. I'm staying here, but unlike last Easter, my family's not coming here. I'm thinking about doing brunch here for some of my friends. Or we'll go out. Should be a relaxing weekend.
Need to turn out some baby papers before the big ones creep up on me. Need to get back in hard core work mode. Of course not tonight though.
I really love my friends here at AU. I really am the person I am because of my sisters and my close friends. And next year, I'm living with 3 of my sisters, and we're going to have an AMAZING time. I'm even living in the same room, how cool am I?
Well, time to sleep I think. Long day looming tomorrow, may join the girls in practice tomorrow...
I played tennis outside for an hour yesterday. And today's blood blisters and severe pain in muscles I haven't used in a while is so very worth it. I miss it so much. I'm actually going to start practicing with the team. She needs more people for the girls to hit with. May as well bring back someone who was on the team to hit. It'll be funny if I can take some of them...gonna take me a couple more days to get back into the real swing of things on the court- no pun intended.
My accounting test raped me tonight. Guess I couldn't keep on getting good grades ALL semester. Everyone thought it sucked. So glad to know that my 5 hours of studying didn't seem to help much...ehh, there's always one.
Easter weekend. Dad's turning 47. Crazy. I'm staying here, but unlike last Easter, my family's not coming here. I'm thinking about doing brunch here for some of my friends. Or we'll go out. Should be a relaxing weekend.
Need to turn out some baby papers before the big ones creep up on me. Need to get back in hard core work mode. Of course not tonight though.
I really love my friends here at AU. I really am the person I am because of my sisters and my close friends. And next year, I'm living with 3 of my sisters, and we're going to have an AMAZING time. I'm even living in the same room, how cool am I?
Well, time to sleep I think. Long day looming tomorrow, may join the girls in practice tomorrow...
Thursday, March 17, 2005
St. Patrick's Day
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Long time since I wrote. Not that anyone reads this. At least, I don't think anyone does.
Spring break was nice. Ended up spending the entire week in Connnecticut after my dad convinced me to stay while we were halfway to the airport. It was good to spend time with my parents and sister, and it gave me time to get my head together. Things were a little out of sorts upstairs before I left for home. All is better now.
One month tomorrow. That's a long time for me. Probably the longest relationship I've ever had. Things just really do get better between us, it's a good feeling to have for a change. Just gotta go with it, like anything else.
School, is, well school. Still receiving, to my shock, good grades. Though I have managed to be on top of work this week, it's time for me to start really focusing more energy into this last leg of the semester. Easier said than done for me, as always.
Initiation is tomorrow night, and I'm so proud of my little. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and seeing her finally become one in our Bond of sisterhood. She is an amazing woman, and I'm so proud that I get to say she's my little sister.
So yeah, you could say that all is real well in my little world. Cause for the most part, it really is.
But the weather's getting nicer and nicer with each day that passes, and I'm getting the tennis jones REAL bad. So I'm gonna start hitting with some girls from the team to get back in shape and get to play. I miss it a lot. Funny, because last semester I had NO desire to pick up a racquet. Now, I have my racquets out and have been working on regripping them. This summer's gonna be awesome, being on the court every day ALL summer.
All that leaves is some personal battles to fight. And I will win this one.
Until next time...
Spring break was nice. Ended up spending the entire week in Connnecticut after my dad convinced me to stay while we were halfway to the airport. It was good to spend time with my parents and sister, and it gave me time to get my head together. Things were a little out of sorts upstairs before I left for home. All is better now.
One month tomorrow. That's a long time for me. Probably the longest relationship I've ever had. Things just really do get better between us, it's a good feeling to have for a change. Just gotta go with it, like anything else.
School, is, well school. Still receiving, to my shock, good grades. Though I have managed to be on top of work this week, it's time for me to start really focusing more energy into this last leg of the semester. Easier said than done for me, as always.
Initiation is tomorrow night, and I'm so proud of my little. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and seeing her finally become one in our Bond of sisterhood. She is an amazing woman, and I'm so proud that I get to say she's my little sister.
So yeah, you could say that all is real well in my little world. Cause for the most part, it really is.
But the weather's getting nicer and nicer with each day that passes, and I'm getting the tennis jones REAL bad. So I'm gonna start hitting with some girls from the team to get back in shape and get to play. I miss it a lot. Funny, because last semester I had NO desire to pick up a racquet. Now, I have my racquets out and have been working on regripping them. This summer's gonna be awesome, being on the court every day ALL summer.
All that leaves is some personal battles to fight. And I will win this one.
Until next time...
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Almost there...
2 more days of class until the God-send that is spring break! So needed. Need to relax and sleep and talk the parents into paying for a massage. My mom doesn't know I'm coming home, it's gonna be a surprise when she sees me show up at the house....good times.
So my little and I are sitting here. I don't feel like studying Spanish, though I should be studying since I have a test tomorrow. But it's gonna be easy, at least it should be easy. Who knows. I need a good grade though.
So, Tuesday turned into Luau in our room. We started drinking around 3, and didn't finish til about 10. And it was so much fun. We had visitors, we danced, we cleaned, we ate. It was awesome. We're thinking that more Tuesdays are going to turn into that.
So things are still going well in that department. Hanging out a lot, and neither of us leaves for break til the weekend so I'm hoping that we'll hang out some on Friday night since we won't see each other for a week. That's what I'd like, at least. We'll see.
I think he thinks that I get upset because he always has work to do. But in reality, it doesn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I wish I could be that dedicated. I was for a while, hopefully after Spring Break I'll be motivated again. I guess I'm just afraid that him thinking this will make things murky. And I don't want that. At all. Because I really like him, busy or not.
Only me and my little would be excited about the fact that the computer was letting us use our fingers like a pen. We're that cool.
But now we're both tired.
Nothing more profound to say. I know that during class earlier I had some good things in my head. That's why I need a journal that I'm able to carry around and write whenever things pop into my head. At least I have the creative juices flowing once more.
Well, I think I'll wrap it up.
Past the point of no return, no backwards glances...our games of make believe are at an end....
So my little and I are sitting here. I don't feel like studying Spanish, though I should be studying since I have a test tomorrow. But it's gonna be easy, at least it should be easy. Who knows. I need a good grade though.
So, Tuesday turned into Luau in our room. We started drinking around 3, and didn't finish til about 10. And it was so much fun. We had visitors, we danced, we cleaned, we ate. It was awesome. We're thinking that more Tuesdays are going to turn into that.
So things are still going well in that department. Hanging out a lot, and neither of us leaves for break til the weekend so I'm hoping that we'll hang out some on Friday night since we won't see each other for a week. That's what I'd like, at least. We'll see.
I think he thinks that I get upset because he always has work to do. But in reality, it doesn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I wish I could be that dedicated. I was for a while, hopefully after Spring Break I'll be motivated again. I guess I'm just afraid that him thinking this will make things murky. And I don't want that. At all. Because I really like him, busy or not.
Only me and my little would be excited about the fact that the computer was letting us use our fingers like a pen. We're that cool.
But now we're both tired.
Nothing more profound to say. I know that during class earlier I had some good things in my head. That's why I need a journal that I'm able to carry around and write whenever things pop into my head. At least I have the creative juices flowing once more.
Well, I think I'll wrap it up.
Past the point of no return, no backwards glances...our games of make believe are at an end....
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
3:05 AM
Yes, at 3:05 AM I'm feeling inspired. I want to write more. I want to sketch DC. I want to live more. See it all. See DC. Write what I feel. I used to. Need to do that more. Makes life that much better.
The plan is to invest in a new sketchbook and a new journal that I am able to carry everywhere, and unlike the one I have now, actually write in. Stupid lefty shit.
I used to write everything I felt. Funny quotes. Life. Now, nothing. I vent. No fun.
What does one do when told not to worry when one knows something is going on...I trust him, and yet, for once, things are going my way, and life is too good....
The plan is to invest in a new sketchbook and a new journal that I am able to carry everywhere, and unlike the one I have now, actually write in. Stupid lefty shit.
I used to write everything I felt. Funny quotes. Life. Now, nothing. I vent. No fun.
What does one do when told not to worry when one knows something is going on...I trust him, and yet, for once, things are going my way, and life is too good....
Just Another Day in The District...
Another Monday gone. That leaves 4 days until a well deserved Spring Break.
I've decided to go home for a couple of days. Between being able to get some stuff done at home, visit old teachers, maybe even play some tennis, it'll be nice to get awa for a bit. Plus, they're turning off the power in the dorms all of Sunday. Being home is always a plus.
I had my bio test today, tougher than I expected. No doubt I passed, but I don't think I'll have another A- like last test. Oh well, can't win em all. My retribution for not going to class. Bad me. No more drunken bio classes. Yeah, that's probably a lie.
I got him to talk dirty tonight. And he, well we are becoming more public about our affection. This one day at a time stuff is paying off big time lately.
But I broke my oath tonight and ate McDonalds. But I got to spend time with a new friend of mine, and he's awesome. I feel like every week I get closer with someone new, it's great meeting so many people here.
There's this other one. Something's going on. I think it's the whole once you have someone in your life, others become more attracted to you. That whole "I'm taken" confidence. He doesn't know yet what's going on. But he's been coming around more often and it's interesting when he's around. Too bad for him. He missed his chance big time.
Ugh I need to go to the gym tomorrow. Now I'm rambling. Surry.
Life is just so good right now. Even though I have 2 tests at the end of the week.
But, like I said, 4 days....
I've decided to go home for a couple of days. Between being able to get some stuff done at home, visit old teachers, maybe even play some tennis, it'll be nice to get awa for a bit. Plus, they're turning off the power in the dorms all of Sunday. Being home is always a plus.
I had my bio test today, tougher than I expected. No doubt I passed, but I don't think I'll have another A- like last test. Oh well, can't win em all. My retribution for not going to class. Bad me. No more drunken bio classes. Yeah, that's probably a lie.
I got him to talk dirty tonight. And he, well we are becoming more public about our affection. This one day at a time stuff is paying off big time lately.
But I broke my oath tonight and ate McDonalds. But I got to spend time with a new friend of mine, and he's awesome. I feel like every week I get closer with someone new, it's great meeting so many people here.
There's this other one. Something's going on. I think it's the whole once you have someone in your life, others become more attracted to you. That whole "I'm taken" confidence. He doesn't know yet what's going on. But he's been coming around more often and it's interesting when he's around. Too bad for him. He missed his chance big time.
Ugh I need to go to the gym tomorrow. Now I'm rambling. Surry.
Life is just so good right now. Even though I have 2 tests at the end of the week.
But, like I said, 4 days....
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