I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now...

So, listening to this song last Wednesday night was a fun experience, but it's somewhat sad to me that it applies to my life right now. Ok, maybe I am not completely miserable, but I was this weekend, and I am working to not be miserable, as hard as that is for me right now.

According to my widget (yes I am a MacBook user), miserable means wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable. So, based on this definition, I have been miserable three times in my life. Sophomore year of high school when I first came to terms with the fact that I do indeed feel more and see more of the world around me, and see it better and more truthfully than anyone else my age (something I'm not proud of, ignorance is bliss). The second time being when I had knee surgery my senior year- no explanation needed, you try not being able to walk for 6 months. The third time being when I gave up the one thing that had made me so happy since I was 6- tennis- at the end of frosh year of college.

This, my friends, is the fourth time.

Don't get me wrong, there has been a ton of great moments this semester- Union Jack's is always a good time for me and whoever joins me, broomball was fabulous, mixers rocked, being with my sisters, Miami. These are weekend/night things, events that only last a couple hours and become another one of my favorite memories from my last year of my undergraduate career.

But, I have hit rock bottom. I'm in a place I know all too well, and I am not a fan of it one bit. If there are any of you who actually do read this, please don't be worried. If you know me well, you know that I am indeed working on turning this all around, and will do my absolute best to keep my head up right now. Also, know that there are some of you that are the reason I keep going, and it is none of you that have caused me to be in this place. You all, funny enough, keep me insane.

Having said all of this, I know that deep down, the things causing me to be so upset are really trivial in the grand scheme of things- it's the point that I work so hard, or like to think I do, and really do not see any returns on my hard work (sorry to bring out the business analogies). It's results that keep us going in life, and a lack thereof makes waking up before 1 PM a tough endeavor for yours truly.

Yah, I could throw out the depression word right now. I'm not proud of it, but it's not something I'm afraid of talking about. In fact, I know I'm a strong person because of the fact that I can accept my current situation and vow to no be depressed anymore. This is a very hard thing, however, when you've been diagnosed with having a chemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to sometimes have absolutely no control over your emotions (think beer tears or the things you do while drunk, except I am sober and being aware of what is going and not being able to change it is 10 times scarier than being drunk and acting out).

But, I have a lot to live for. And yeah, it's gonna be 5 weeks of hell, but I'm heeding words collected from my father over the years:
"You can sleep when you're dead" ---ok haven't heeded this yet, my dreams are better than reality these days....
"Plan your work and work your plan"---this is a saying I really like.

So, it's back to lists upon lists of goals and things to get done and the infamous L-School crap. I refuse to say that L word right now, and no one better ask me about it or say the word. Period.

With all that out of my system, I've accepted the reality of the situation with a certain someone. Despite what has gone on over the past 2 months- which really has been fun- I guess being friends is what I have to settle for. And yet, this is what I feel I am ALWAYS settling for. Good at friendship. GREAT at friendship. When's it my turn?

"In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?"

A little dramatic, but we're all allowed our moments, no?

I can talk to him about nothing and everything for hours. I can just look at him, into his eyes, and be content. I can be silly around him and he likes it. He calls me "good people" and "a very likeable person." What does that even mean?

I've always been attracted to older guys, but usually they have a little more direction, which makes sense since I have more direction than mapquest.

Or, at least I thought I did. I'm so intrigued by him. I've never seen him in a bad mood, he's always in good spirits. He laughs a lot. He has a good attitude all the time---how does he do that?

Well, it's 4PM. I woke up at 1, had some lunch, and have done nothing really productive, other than find a tutor. Don't ask.

5 weeks. He leaves November 15th. I don't know how I feel about that...

So my heart was broken last night.

Yeah ok I am not proud of it, it happens too often to me, but it's a blog right? I can write about whatever I want.

It's really my fault for letting my heart get broken- I really should have known better. But boy, it hurt. And of course, I remedied the situation by drinking and going to Union Jack's with the brother. Why did I let it happen though? I should have not fallen for him, and once again I did, but gah, he just needs to leave already. And then the bouncer (who's in love with me) didn't help so much by telling me things that made me feel worse in my poor decision to fall for this guy.

But I guess that's my thing, falling for the wrong guys. But I am so over this. When's it my turn to find a right guy? I don't need to find THE right guy, I am only 22, but it scares me because at this age I haven't had one single meaningful relationship, and how am I supposed to know when the right guy actually comes along? Will I know something good when it actually comes along?

It's all very confusing and frustrating and I'm really not sure where to go from here. There's one interest, but I am completely clueless on how to go about pursuing this one. Why can't I be pursued once in a while? That would feel so good...

Anyways, there's around 50 something days left in this semester. Which leaves one more full semester of my undergraduate career here at American. And, I have to say, I'm beginning to get very nostalgic and beginning to miss it all.

I'm one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay around for a reason. There's a huge reason he's in my life.

We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of sophomore year, and in the beginning he was his pompous self, but I challenged him, and we hit it off. And he's been a fixture in my life ever since. There's a deep bond that can't be broken by anything. Not me wigging out on him or him disappearing for weeks. I know I can call him or IM him and eventually reach him. And he'll be there for me. Like he was last night. He can always make me laugh, and we always have a good time together.

We're both at pretty confusting stages in our lives. I'm getting ready to apply to law schools, with my #1 choice being thousands of miles away in Miami, and he will be here. He's looking for a job and dealing with life after college. And both of us have the problem of ultimately being too nice, even in our mean, selfish moments.

Sometimes I wonder if there could ever be anything between him and I. Not because I'm attracted to him or have a crush on him. It's more that there's already such a great relationship between the 2 of us, I wonder if it would be even better if we got together and had the romance part there as well. I think we'd be good for each other, but who really knows. Guess I shouldn't really dwell on it.

I should just focus on myself and Law School. This whole application process is bad deja vu from applying to undergrad. I can't believe I'm getting my scores back tomorrow....

Sunday

Ever wake up and find you are already plagued by thoughts and realities that, 1) you don't really want to think about or come to terms with 2) you just can't understand why this always happens to you?

That's me since I woke up 28 minutes ago.

I guess I'm really at a loss. He texted me last night to let me know he was DJing down the street (as per usual) and yet never invited me or anything. At one point he mentioned how it was was quiet last night, but like I said, no invite. I don't know if there was a hint or anything in there, but, with what we've been through, you'd think him and I were passed hints and stupid crap like that. Apparently not. Of course, I also think I make the right decision of not going either way; as nice as it would have been to see him I didn't really feel like being somewhat ignored.

But I guess that's all it is- perhaps there really is nothing between him and I. Maybe it really was one awesome night back in August, followed by a couple of days of "why me again?" feelings (well, trust me they didn't last long, I hooked up with 2 other guys right after him), then an awkward, unanticipated reunion, followed by talking again, seeing him 3 nights in a row, with him staying over last weekend and our whole saga getting deeper. It ends with him staying over on Wednesday night, a really nice night filled with tennis, ice cream sundaes, and cuddling til 3 AM. Saw him Thursday night, nothing special there, and that's been it since 3 days ago.

So, someone please make sense of this all. Good times there, right? But he does leave for officer training school on November 15th, and won't be back for a couple of months- so maybe he's just enjoying himself? And maybe I should too.

To be quite honest- while you may not beleive me- I'm not as broken up as I could be, as I usually am. Maybe I have finally accepted it for what it is- a fling. But at the same time, I really enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being around me too. Soemtimes I think it's just cause he's a generally nice person, and I look at him and think, yeah he is real nice and not the best looking guy, so I shouldn't worry. Then there's always the wonder of, well if I am not there, who's he flirting with tonight? So I really just don't know.

Yeah, it's all awfully confusing, isn't it? I guess I should just focus on myself right now- school and health and AHH law school. Dammit I forgot about that.

Maybe there is no time for him right now. For DJs and sagas and flings and all that jazz. But even so, I wish I knew more about how he really felt...but the truth does hurt....

That Moment

I want to be held.
Sometimes I just want to be back in that moment, because, for that moment, life was unlike it was at any other moment.
It was perfect.
And I sat there, and I looked at the stars, and I looked at the people around me,
(most I didn't know and would never know again)
and just knew that I had it so good.
And we sat. And offered me his chair.
And stood there, at my eye's level, and looked and smiled.
And I knew.
And he held me. Even when we walked.
Hands clenched in hands. Holding on to me as if afraid to lose me.
And for that moment, I was all that mattered.
The giggling. The looks all night long.
There's something so comforting in knowing it's all yours.

So tonight, I sit.
And I'm brought back to the ocean.
The sounds of the waves.
You letting me be goofy, and joining me in my glory.

Looking far over the water and seeing nothing.
Nothing but us.
And the ocean.
In that moment.

For that moment, we were invincible.
We were one.
You held on to me close.
I was yours.

The moment lasted all night.
All it took was that first smile and you were hooked.

That moment.
I want to be held in that moment again.
And again.

Hump Day in the District

I just woke up from a fabulous nap. Ever do that? Take a nap that feels so good, that when you wake up, you feel like, "wow, that nap rocked"? Yeah it was that good.

Apparently someone up there likes me. I ended up not going to work today because there temps in doing the work, and not much else for me to do. So, feeling all swank, I went and bought a wireless keyboard from the Apple store for my laptop. Which is alive again, but I'm planning on having looked at after my little spill last night. I'm such an ass. I was also feeling like a chef today and make real quesadillas, like in the frying pan and everything! I made a chicken and cheese quesadilla and it turned out amazing. I also completely cleaned my entire room to make room for all the crap that I'm moving over from the Del Ray house (yes I have yet to move everything because I'm lazy and have nowhere to put it). That's being done tonight. Woohoo.

Last night rocked. Thanks to Steph for the invite- though I've decided that me and Steph going out is dangerous, though fun as hell! I also had dinner with my big which was yummy and so cool to hang out with her again- I didn't realize how much I missed her until I was sitting across from her, laughing and gossiping as usual.

So I had a productive past 2 days. That leaves moving boxes and packing. Not that I have a lot of packing to do for CT, knowing me I will end up throwing most of it in the back of my car, but I have to pack all my cruise stuff. Don't worry, I'm not complaining, but I am a pretty bad packer, I get packing ADD. My mom made me make a list. I'm the list queen I know.

Tomorrow's my last day of my internship. Today I had to write a recommendation letter. Apparently this is normal, writing your OWN letter. Then my boss will sign it and give me lots of copies, as well as a digital copy if I run out. She's awesome. I think the letter turned out alright, it was the first one I've written, and my dad helped me, but it seemed decent, and I'm sure I can get Nikki (my boss) to revise it some more as well. Crazy to think three months of working is gone. I complained, but I did enjoy the job, and I'm walking away with a ton learned. It'll be a good, fun last day, cause the whole marketing dept is going to see Hootie and the Blowfish at Wolf Trap tomorrow night, so we're all leaving work early and picnicing. And I have a feeling they're going to try and get me tanked- the VP of Marketing told me last weekend I should plan on sleeping at her house cause she lives nearby, HAHA!

Anyway, I think I'm close to the end of this entry. I hope y'all got to be outside for at least a little time today, the weather is absolutely gorgeous out there, truly a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Things to be happy about:
- GREAT naps
- Quesadillas you make yourself
- playing with a new puppy

I think I'm gonna grab a fountain soda at McDonald's before I head to the house. I absolutely love their fountain soda. Yeah I know I'm a special snowflake.

2 days until I see Jamie---3 days until CT---11 days until the cruise....

Beautiful

I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart,
I am never without it,
anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling ,
I fear No fate ,
for you are my fate, my sweet,
I want No world ,for beautiful you are my world, my true,
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows ,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud,
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart ,I carry it in my heart.

The First Roommate Rant...

So here comes the first rant about my new roommate, Brittany. We share a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.

It's ok for her to ask favors of me and expect them to get done, but God forbid I ask anything of her. Like cleaning all her crap out of the living room, something I've been asking her to do for 4 weeks now. IT WILL GET DONE TODAY.

She's SUCH a story teller too. Embellishes all her stories, and will change them. Like stories about boys, she makes the guys say all thie stuff so it looks like they like her and stuff. And I call her on it all the time.

And she makes all these comments that are so wrong. Like "I can't sleep all day." SHE SLEEPS ALL DAY EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. And she thinks she's so responsible- she is never on time for work. Ever. She left here the other morning at 8:30, the time she's supposed to be in work. And tries to act like she's all high and mighty. She's a dumbass.

And she thinks she's soo smart and knows so much. And she really doesn't. But she always has to be right and have the last word. Evewn when I'm right. And won't admit when she's wrong. But I have to.

And she's getting fatter. And wears clothing that makes her look fat, and the way she's carrying it she looks pregnant. And when we go out she like doesn't wear bras and she thinks she has great boobs, but she doesn't and at the age of 20 they are sagging and her shirts don't fit so it looks like she's going to fall out- I mean her shirts pretty much cover her nipples. It's gross and I find it appalling and completely unladylike. Save it for a bar, not lunch out in Bethesda.

and she thinks shes so hot and walks like shes hot shit and shes really not at all
like when shes sitting there talking to you her neck fat is just everywhere. I can't really look at her right now it's gross. And she has gross feet. She really needs to work out.

AND I try to get her to go to the gym with me
but's she's a total lazy ass, eats crap food all the time, and does nothing. stays in her room all weekend and when she gets hom from work just goes in her room or spends time on the couch. guess it's not easy being spoiled. and her laziness rubs off on me and I refuse to let it rub off on me anymore.

ok im done now.

Mmm Pickles

So I got 2 pickles sitting next to me while I type this entry. I like pickles. They taste good. And they have 5 calories each. Woohoo!

I have become a woman obsessed. I will feel better about who I am. I will be confident when I go out. I will not have weeks like last week anymore. And if it seems like I will, I will do a much better job controlling the situation so I don't feel like I did.

I had a big change in myself after last week. I needed to. I have refocused myself on myself- spending more time preparing for the LSATs and working out and doing what I need to be happy and not worrying about other people. Because that's the only way I'm going to feel better.

I also made a friend online in Norway. I miss Europe and need to go back so badly, and I enjoy our late night chats, goofing around and just being friends across the big pond. It's an new, fun experience.

I began talking to a new guy on Sunday night. He's older and seems mature, and I have been enjoying talking to him. We talked until 2 AM on Sunday night, and last night we talked until 1 AM. He asked me to meet up with him on Thursday night, so I am very looking forward to that. And I've been good. I haven't been too pushy or gotten ahead of myself with this one. And I will go to meet him on Thursday night and not seem too excited or desperate or obsessed. I will be confident and will enjoy his company, and hopefully something will grow from it. I think this is the best attitude to have towards the entire situation- especially since I've never been on a date, ever.

These pickles are really good, if you were wondering.

So, yeah, that's a good summation of what's going on in my head. Though I am pretty worried about what he''ll think of me when he sees me for the first time after talking to me online. I hope he's not disappointed. I think he could be good for me.
I'm also pretty worried about the LSATs. I haven't been spending enough time studying and I need to turn that around. I really need to kick this test's butt in September.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize. 54 days until my cruise.

We might as well...

I'm lonely. I feel so empty inside. I don't even know how to be happy right now.
When is it my turn? To feel so happy. To feel what it's like to have someone really care for me. And want to call me. And be with me.
The gym has become my escape. When I'm there I don't think much about everything that is bothering me right now.
I think I f-ck up everything for myself. I get too excited. I think too deep. I feel too much.
That's my problem. I think it stems from my creativity. I know I've always been creative, that's why I loved all my art classes and creating all the clay pieces I did during my senior year, and all that I went through with my drawing classes. It was an outlet. Cause I could go in there, and drawing a chair differently than everyone else was ok, because it was how I saw it that day at that time, and my emotions went into it, always. Now I don't have the creative outlet anymore. And I don't have tennis every day, either. Where I could go work it all out, or just not even deal with it for an hour so. The gym has become the place where I can try and work out some of my frustrations.
He gave up on me before he gave me a true chance. What is wrong with me? There's only so many times I can say to myself "his loss," or "he doesn't know what he's missing." When is it my turn?
I don't know what I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore. I want so much, and I want nothing at all. I know what my heart wants, and my brain keeps telling me how I can't have it. Why I won't have it. The fight between my brain and my heart is starting to get the best of me.
I don't want to be depressed again. But, it's harder and harder to fight every day. And people around me are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right with me. My dreams are better than real life again.
I need the strength to fight this.
And when I call the people who I thought cared, they don't answer, and they don't return my calls. They don't even call or IM. EVER.
Going to the airport and leaving the country for Australia is starting to look better and better. No one knows me there.

The easy life...for a couple hours or so

Guess what I'm doing, right this moment?!
Hehe nothing productive.
I just finished my corporate finance exam, took me about an hour, and it actually wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I definitely passed. I should get a B, B-. Turns out I knew the stuff better than I had thought. So it seems that things aren't so bad in the school arena after all.

On a less positive note, in the personal arena, things aren't going so well. I've fallen off my self-help kick, thanks in part to the crazy amount of school work. I just have to do a better job of getting things done in advance so I do have time to work out every day without feeling like I'm taking time away from school.

I am getting better about doing things in advance. I'm keeping up on converting my notes for one class so when it comes to the next exam I don't bomb it like I did the last one. It's really all about doing the little things that I never did before because they seemed so trivial. Sad to think, considering I think I do a lot of work each night.

Meh, I guess that means I should get some stuff done tonight. I will soon, I swear.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with a bunch of the kids I have multiple classes with. They were all friends before- all in the same frat- and they've become real good friends of mine. Like we have a real good time hanging out, and things just keep getting better. Like they've "accepted" me into their group, as weird as that sounds. Yes, college is a bit clicky,
as much as no one would like or wants to admit it.

I haven't forgotten about everyone else. Kim turns 21 this weekend so she can come out with us finally. It's just that, well, they don't seem to want to go out anymore, and I don't want to sit around every weekend. I want to be SOCIAL- crazy I know. Maybe they'll jump on the bandwagon soon.

Speaking of which, this weekend should be sick. Planning on going both nights. Yeah, weekend warrior I know. Friday will be more low key than Saturday night, when Kim finally turns 21. I dunno, maybe I'll stay in on Friday. Oh, I can't. Nevermind.

I think that's pretty much it. Hopefully I'll feel better about myself before we board the plane for the Bahamas in a week....

1 Day Down.....

So, one exam down, two to go. And four days left in this school week.
I think today's exam went really well. I was definitely prepeared for it. Always a good feeling. That leaves a tough one on Wednesday night. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm supposed to study in our book. Yeah yeah- go me.

I'm feeling spread very thin right now. And I feel like no matter what I do, someone is never happy. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Like, is this what life is- one unsatisfied person after the other? I sure hope not. 

Anyway, not much else going on. Doing a better job of staying on top of my game. The problem lately is that I have so much on my mind I actually forget stuff- like bringing stuff when I leave the house and things like that. I have to write lists for just about everythign I do! I mean lists everywhere. This is so uncharacteristic of me. 

It's about 10 o'clock now. The plan for the night is to finally clean my room because it's gross and start studying for my corporate finance exam. Gonna get up again early to start my day. I'm getting used to waking up at like 8 AM. I like being out of the house early. I get to campus and get stuff done. 

Think I'll go get started on cleaning my room.

P.S.-I'm publishing this post with my new Blogger widget, and it's super cool:)

Gross.

The junk food binge I just had has left me feeling gross.

I have 2 pages of my 12 page study guide memorized. I wonder how long this will take me. I'm scared right now. I can't receive another crappy grade like I did on my consumer behavior exam a week ago. I can't even believe I did so badly. That is so uncharacteristic of me. Well, I napped, and hopefully as a result I'll get a lot of studying in tonight.

I cannot wait to go to the Bahamas with my mom. In two weeks from today, I will be out partying it up.

My parents rock for surprising me with trip. They truly are wonderful people. I think they see this semester getting to me. I hope I don't fuck it up. Seriously. Six classes plus being the treasurer of the sorority is certainly taking its toll on me.

On a more positive note, I'm resolved to wake up tomorrow morning early and really start being a responsible human being again- something I have neglected for a while now. It's gonna take getting used to, but I know I can do it. I have to do it!

Anyways, I better go study more. I don't really have much more to say. I'll probably be back later though...

A Year Wiser....?

Here I am. 21 and smarter. Been seven months since I last updated this blogger. I intend to use this one more often, as my xanga is read by entirely way too many people, and I am unable to be truly sincere there.

Well, it's now my second semester as a junior. In an attempt to graduate on time, I'm currently taking 6 classes, and ready to pull my hair out as a result.

This semester is not going swimmingly. Not only do I have 6 classes, I am the treasurer of my sorority. Not sure what I was thinking. Another thing to add to the resume, I guess.

I used to be so on top of everything going on in my life. Like, really got things done. Now I go to sleep feeling defeated every night, and frustrated at the fact that there is so much left to the next day. I want to wake up and be accomplished.

I close my eyes. I have the sounds of the ocean playing on my Itunes. Don't think I'm one of those people, it's very relaxing.
As I said, my eyes are closed. I am brought back to the beach, St.Marten, December 27th, 2005. I'm sitting under an umbrella, the beach is quiet, listening to the water make its way back and forth, in and out. A Carib lager is in my hand. Life is wonderful I have not a care in the world. I can feel the sun on my feet as they stick out from under the protection of the umbrella. It's a comforting feeling. Knowing that there is nothing but ocean, soft sand, and and sun keeping me company as I remember why I love to be alive.

I'm never so much at home as I am when I am on the beach. I want to live in the Caribbean. I want to own a beach bar and have a wonderful husband and live a wonderful life, meeting tons of people and having great friends right where I live. I want to look out to sea every day, and know that life is amazing.

Writing this all, I can feel my hear getting heavier. I miss it so very much. My friends don't know me the way I am when I am home. How you can live there and come back north, it's beyond me. I'm doing a great job of it, but. I'm thinking of saving my money and just going somewhere. Just making friends when I get there to stay with. Taking risks, being rebellious of my parents.

Makes me think of Yusuf from South Africa. I should email him again and see whatever happened to him. I hope I'm not responsible.

Now I'm sitting on the deck of the ship as we pull out of St. Marten, the sun setting on the horizon. The deck is quiet now, and it's just me wrapped in my towel and listening to my music.

That is what life is all about. Those moments. I need to cherish them more.