What I want

Well it's not often I get myself sitting down, contemplating what it is I really want. But I think I have a pretty good idea of what I want.

(Let me pause here, as I have to find a song on Itunes that'll help me here as I write)

So, what is it that I want. I want to be understood. Let's focus here even more- what I want in a guy.

I want to be understood. I don't feel that there are many people who really do understand me. I think a lot of people- especially guys- find my personality very hard to crack exactly. I don't get worked up over school work, and I really never get stressed out. I find no point to it; if I need to get work done, I will get it done on time, and get it done well. Stress never helps me. However, this laid-back, go with the flow attitude is often perceived as laziness, and I get the distinct feeling that there is many a person at AU that thinks I don't work very hard. This isn't the case, it's just that most people never see me working, or don't know when I actually am working.

That's the thing; I think that in my "take life one day at a time" persona, people cannot handle me. How many people rush through this life, always worrying about school work or whatever it is they have to do?

That's not how I'm going to live my life. While I am completely aware what I need to do, and what needs to get done, I'm not going to kill myself over it all. The fact of the matter is that our lives are too short and too precious to constantly worry about class or what other people think of me.

That's another thing. The fact that I am so comfortable with myself; that I have no problem going out to a party in my polo and jeans while most girls are dressed to the nines; that I can talk to pretty much anyone; all this is often perceived as cockiness. But I'm not cocky. I'm just content with myself. Most people say it's confidence, ok sure, but to me confidence may be too much in my situation. I've heard that being so comfortable with oneself can make others intimidated. Whatever that means.

I'm not going to change. I know there's a time and a place to be dressed up. I don't find a frat party to be that time. I'm not gonna wear a minimal amount of clothing to try and attra

A Grand Scheme...so to speak?

Well I'm sitting here, listening to the rain fall, thinking over the past 2 weeks of being home. And I can't help but wonder- does everything really, truly happen for a reason?

I'm gonna take the time to sit here and really think through this. Four months I spend at AU during my spring 05 semester. And I want to do one thing- get back into better shape and lose the unnecessary weight I've acquired as a result of not being an athlete anymore- and I can't do it. I can't bring myself to cut the beer/alcohol, to eat better, to work out. 4 whole months. And then I come home, and I'm all revved up and all into the whole diet thing, and I lost 7 pounds in 6 days. This is in a 1.5 week span.

Or you spend 2 years in high school with a lot of people, but we're talking about one individual in particular at the moment. Now in that time you're never really good friends with this person; you know of one another, never hang out, you're friendly. Then, off to college, and one summer there's a kiss- the next, there's more. You don't see this person ALL year until you come home and out of boredom begin speaking to each other again. But you don't really know how/why you talk because you were never really close to begin with.

What makes these things happen? What was the big change in me to all of a sudden be motivated to lead a healthier life? What force in the universe happened, what planets shifted so that he and I got together?

I hope you see what I'm getting at. It's all so very random; the timing of it all. But is it, really? Maybe things happen, and happen when they do, all for a reason. Maybe I just wasn't ready for a lifestyle change during the semester. And while I don't have hardcore feelings for said boy, maybe it was just something that needed to happen.

I don't really know if any of this makes sense. It's all about waiting for the right moment. There is a time and place for everything it seems.

I'm not going the God route with this, if you have noticed. While I do believe there is a God up there, I'm not really completely sure if I believe He's the one behind this all.

It's all rather confusing. I'm sitting here, trying to figure it out, and not really getting anywhere. If this is true, what about being at the right place at the right time? I mean is it all by chance that the things that happen to us, do happen?

We do have some control, obviously. I mean I picked where I wanted to go to college- after they decided if they wanted me of course. I pick what I look like, how people view me, what I want to major in. Maybe there is some sort of pre-ordained design for all of us. But we can change it, finagle it the way we want to.

What about all those people out there who go for their "dream," and don't succeed? Is this because they were never really meant to do that?

I think I have to stop at this point. I don't feel like I'm making progress. It could be a moot subject.

It all begins...

I have big plans for myself this summer.
Lose 2 pants sizes.
Be happy with myself.
Grow up more.
Read a lot.
Write a lot.
Be utterly content with life.
I hope I can do it.
Lots to do tomorrow, the joys of getting back into the swing of NC life.
I'm a little bit obsessed. Kind of sad. Really need to work on the self image thing. How does one do it? It's so not fair. My sister is gorgeous. Put together amazingly. I'm just gross.
It all needs to change.

1 Day Down

One day spent back home. All good so far.
Lots on my mind. Citadel boy. What to do about that situation. More importantly, do I call?
Confused. Pleasantly.
People start coming home at the end of this week. It'll be interesting to see how everything pans out. I haven't spoken to most NC people since I left last summer. I wonder who I will talk to, who I will try to talk to, who will talk to me....
I kind of wish I had decided to stay in DC this summer. Could have been a lot of fun. But then again, I will make a killing being a Nike counselor again. Blah blah blah.
I miss having nothing to do with people. At home I have nothing to do, but no one to really sit around and do nothing with. Allie's still in school and both the parents work. What to do.
I need to start playing tennis again and start working out. Whenever I wake up tomorrow, off to the treadmill it is.
It would be cool if during the month I was home I had a way to go out and meet new people. Unfortunately the whole underage thing doesn't help my cause too much. I'll have to figure out a way.
I wish I had a shisha. I may have to go to NYC and get one. Maybe I'll go this week with Jenna or Stinky. I'll get Stinky to come down South.
Maybe a trip to Canadia...
I should do some travelling. Maybe I'll go back to DC for a couple days.
Well, off to think more.

2 years down...

That's it...2 years at AU done.
Grades good so far, waiting on 2 more. Sick of packing. Got about an hour left of packing before I'm done. All to unpack it all tomorrow back in CT.
All done living on campus. Can't deal with it anymore. Need my own room. Love my independence way too much. Come August our house is going to be amazing.
Learned so much this year, especially about people. More importantly, I learned about me. I know what I need- I need my space. I need just enough of people. I need me. And it's working well.
Looking forward to getting back on the tennis court. Need to get back in shape. Need to just feel better about myself in that way again.
A new friendship has bloomed, and Brandon and I are getting along as best as ever. As for the new friendship, he's becoming a good friend, but I don't know if lines have been drawn yet. There's a girlfriend that's being broken up with (not because of me) but it will be interesting to see what the future holds.
But in the end that's what it always comes down to, right? Seeing what the future holds.
For me, the summer holds 2 months of Nike Tennis Camp again with good people and a new addition of a good friend of mine from school here. Make a lot of money and have a lot of fun. I'm going back to CT tomorrow, then I'm bumming around and doing whatever until June 8th, when I head to Lawrenceville to open up the camp season. Then, when I'm done in August, it's back to DC to start putting my life together in my new house. Three great housemates, this will make for a great semester I think.
I guess that's it for now. No regrets again this year; it was a huge learning experience. I'm gonna miss a lot of people for sure.
I'll miss the nights at Prince Cafe. I'll miss the parties at Brandon's. I'll miss some of my sisters, my Big, my Little. I'll miss the dam Pi Kapps that I can't seem to get over. I'll miss my crazy ass roommate. I'll miss the relentless action that always gave me something to do.

Thanks for another awesome year, AU. I wouldn't have had it any other way.