Get excited! College football is back!

GO GATORS!!!!!

I sit, waiting the traffic out.

Miami traffic is unimpressively unreal. I live around 10 miles away from Brickell Avenue, where I work, yet, and I kid you not, it has taken me up to an hour and a half to get home. This is a 20-minute drive turned into my worst nightmare.

A lot of days I continue working, but I made it to 6, and I am tapped out.

Today's work: Jury Verdict and Settelements in personal injury cases involving dog bites.

Majority of the states today have "dog bite" statutes in place, which essentially make a dog owner liable for any bite and its damages caused by the dog. As Florida puts it, the owner becomes the dog's insurer. Essentially, even if you have no idea that your dog has "vicious propensities," you're SOL if it bites anyone.

My research leads to the conclusion that the average settlement comes out to around $24,500 in these cases. This generally includes medical expenses, including any future expenses, and the pain and suffering expenses, and, often times, emotional distress damages due to PTSD or the like.

And majority of these cases settle before ever seeing a courtroom. The reason for this is simple: get the right jury, and $25,000 turns into $100,000. Amazing what you can do with the "justice" system!

Nevertheless, my intrigue of torts/personal injury law grows. This will undoubtedly be a messy case, and I'm glad I'm working on it from the beginning. The research has been interesting thus far, and I will continue to share what I can.

Outside of this work, the job hunt goes on. Was fortunate enough to send my resume out on a couple more leads today, shall see how that turns out. It's frustrating to go through three years of law school, a relentless hell, to come out with a Juris Doctorate and no prospects. While that may be the state of the US for now, it's nevertheless very tough to keep one's head up, and, having finally joined the adult world after 25 years of school, I now feel everyone's pain. And I should have gone for my LLM.

Now to tackle the ever-daunting task of drafting a cover letter. Need to master the fine art of explaining my legal genius in a less-hubris-like manner....

Sleepy bandit

- Just another random moment that needed to be shared :)

Hey September!

Giving this another shot it seems.

Having graduated from law school, and taken the Florida Bar examination in July, my life consists of entirely too much time to think, keep myself from worrying about my bar results, and job hunting, with some good stuff thrown in there also.

An avid spinner, I have fallen in love with spin class all over this week. There's something about that intensity that actually allows my brain to shut off (which, if you knew me, doesn't happen often).

The job hunt goes on, and, for the first time in my life, at the ripe old age of 25, I sent out my first resumes in response to job listings I had found. Keep your fingers crossed in that respect!

I'll likely also use this space to contemplate various legal issues, and will do my best to explain what I can without violating any ethical rules.

I'll talk about Bandit, also.

Anyways, it's off to the office in the morning. If you're interested in tomorrow's project:
Jury verdicts and settlements re: dog bites/personal injury cases. I will actually be able to report my findings, and some people might be shocked what the legal world, more specifically, what normal, non-legal minds will allow in damages.

Goodnight :)

Unrequited love.

It's an interesting thought. As defined by Wikipedia, "Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections."

What would one do if the reciprocation came? Would it have been built up so much, to be the be all, end all, that one might be disappointed?

Maybe that's what the big deal about it is. Unrequited love is what keeps us going. It's for the romantics, those who want love, but aren't necessarily ready for it. Some reason one gets up in the morning, puts that extra little effort in.

It's such a romantic, unrequited love. This idea that there is someone that you would do absolutely anything for. Keeps you up doing whatever you can for that person, because you know that, deep down, they need that. There's no real good reason for you to do what you do for this person, it's just sheer admiration for that person that keeps you going.

And yet, it's such a tragic story. It always ends up that that love is never reciprocated.

But maybe it's not so tragic. It makes one stronger, to see their own self-worth, to find out what they truly deserve.

And then move on. Or continue to move on...

Welcome Back?

I think this needs to come back for a bit. I've embarked on my final year in law school, and have really pushed my limits as far as my beliefs in regard to the legal world, both domestically and internationally.

I'm diving into the world of international criminal law, and am having a hard time finding any impartiality in the system. I guess the same could be said for our domestic system, but perhaps I have yet to look at it under the microscope that I employ now as I research for this paper.

The world of domestic law makes me wonder as well. Why are we all striving to become lawyers? How many of us truly want to make a difference?

Back to reading for class....

Shorty I can take you there

Yes, I am listening to Sean Kingston right now. But he's so cheesy sometimes it's necessary.

Like when taking a break from studying criminal law. If there is one area of law I don't want to practice, it's criminal law. It's just a convoluted mess, and differs between each state, and then there's all this crazy stuff...and I find a lot of it to be utter crap. I don't know how criminal lawyers do it. Listening in class just makes me feel dirty.

Voting for SBA elections began last night. So far it seems that a lot of students have voted, which is good. I'm hoping to be elected American Bar Association Rep and do a lot of positive things over the next year. I have a lot of great ideas.

During my break, I began reading some of my old entries on here. Entries from 2005, sophomore year of college, three years ago. How time flies. If only I knew then what I know now. I would have enjoyed DC more, I would have studied harder, I would have spent more time with the right people. But hindsight is 20-20, right?

It's good to see that I am growing as a person, though, and have met a lot of my goals. Yes, I knew back then I was going to law school, and here I sit in law school as I type this. Good to know I can actually meet my goals. That's a positive thing, and I should remember to count my blessings more often.

It's funny though- we all seem like we're at a turning point in our lives. Even those who stayed in DC seem to be itching for something more. I'm ecstatic to get out of here and spend some time in Europe. The travelling will be great, and I'm pretty psyched to hear that Aubrey, one of my sorority sisters, will be playing with me over there! It will be a great experience for both of us, and gah I cannot wait. I know this trip abroad will be great for me. Away from life as I know it here, a break from it all, well I do have classes to take but nevertheless I will be studying under the Sevilla sky!

A close friend of mine from last semester has really seem to have gone out of his way to not be friends with me anymore. We didn't have a fight or anything, and I really truly have no idea about what happened. He does have a fiancee, and though nothing EVER happened between us, nor would either of us even entertain those feelings ever, I can't help but feel that part of the reason that we're not close anymore is because of her. And I feel bad if she feels I had ulterior (sp?) motives, but I really never ever did. It just hurts because he was my buddy; we talked every day, studied together, he was my brother. I miss him I guess. And now it's April. Crazy to see how things have changed in just the past three months.

You have to love technology, by the way. I can watch the Yankees online all season. Which is great since I live in the library.

Anyways. Like I was saying, so much has even happened to me in the past three months. As said in earlier posts, I've finally really found how Miami works for me. And I really don't mind the fact that I do my own thing so much. It makes the time I spend with people that much better. And with the end of the semester coming faster and faster, I need to spend all the time I can studying.

I think that's all I have for now. I need to go study criminal law more. I know, who studies for finals a month before they begin? Answer: any good law school student!

Tuesday Night in the Library

The third floor of the FIU Law School library has, aptly named, a huge room called the Grand Reading Room. I have pretty much taken up residence in here. It's the quintessential law library room- it has like 100 feet ceilings with the big wooden desks with chairs with arm-rests and lamps on every desk. I love this room, it makes me feel very academic, and the cold of the AC at night keeps me awake.

I've been in the library for about 3.5 hours now, less than usual (usually by now its 6 hours), but I was quite productive in that time. Always a good feeling.

Yes for the baseball season being back! I love MLB.tv, as I can watch the Yankees on my computer anytime!

Not too much else going on. Busy, busy week however. I think my speech went well today- it was very me, just natural and to the point. Hopefully it will end in a big W come Thursday....

So on tap for the rest of the night? Reviewing my outlines as they stand so far, a little housekeeping, and, as always, figuring out what tomorrow holds.

As for the whole being ignored thing: I may need a guy to weigh in on this one. I just really don't get it.

It's also amazing how things get misconstrued. I guess I'm not as straight forward as I thought I was. I think that the initial shock of Miami really threw me off and I wasn't myself AT ALL and I didn't like the person I was. I think that's why I'm so content just being in the library studying alone. I'm actually the happiest I've been in a while, doing my own thing, in and out as I please, just being the normal Kirsten.

On that note, I think it's time to vacate the library for my apartment....

Making peace with Miami

So I've decided to bring this back for a number of reasons. First, it's the best way to keep everyone up to date with everything going on with me and my life as it now is in Miami. Second, I spend so much time in front of a computer screen, it makes sense. And last, with the end of the semester coming, and me spending 7 weeks in Europe, it's a great way to track my adventure. So keep up!

Anyways, as the title states, I've been making my peace with Miami. April 1st marks my eighth month down here- holy crap, it's already been eight months! There's been a lot of ups and downs and all sorts of crap, with a couple of nights where I almost threw in the towel and moved back to DC, but I've finally found my place and what works and doesn't work, and I'm content here.

I still have had no visitors. And when I get back from Europe in July, I expect some.

The Barrister's Ball is Friday---read: law school prom. I did get a great dress that I adore, pictures will definitely follow.

Until then, this week is aptly dubbed law week. It includes voting for the new SBA. I am running for ABA (American Bar Association Rep), and tomorrow I'm entitled to a 5-min speech. Should be interesting to say the least. There's also karoake on Wednesday night, an event sponsored by the Dade County Bar Association on Thursday, and the Ball on Friday night at the famous Biltmore. Busy week ahead, because on top of this there's outlines to update, a Supreme Court Brief to fine tune, and, of course, the constant reading.

So hopefully I can keep on top of this.

Why is it so very hard to move on from certain people? Have you ever noticed that? I think it's a problem I have. I get too attached or something. But not in a clingy way. In a personal, no one else know what's going on sort of way. But it's so tough when there seems to still be a reason to hold on. I might be being too vauge, for that I apologize but people talk, and you never know who is reading.

I'm off. I should do some more reading before I sleep. Look out for more to come....

A lot to catch up on...

It's been a while since I've wrote (well typed). I guess I have a bit to catch up on.

I just want to start with this whole idea of interning and sucking up. There's this one intern who (thank God) is only in on Mondays and Tuesdays. But she is a total suck up. Well, she tries at least. She's not even good at it. I saw her in action with Richard, the president of the company, and it was painful. Hard to believe people can be that stupid. I mean if you're going to suck up, at least be good at it.

I've always been one of those people who didn't believe in sucking up in any form. Perhaps I was an idealist, and have always thought that my hard work would shine through. It's true, it does, and it seems to me that many people see throuth her. But have people become so lazy or incompetent that they must resort to some form of ass kissing? I don't know how I feel about all of this. If anyone ever sucked up to me, yah, I don't know. I would definitely see right through it, but probably chuckle and enjoy it a bit.

Moving on. I do have more I want to comment on in my life, and I'm just too tired right now. Sorry.

Adventures in New York City

Well, I began my internship at Rubenstein PR yesterday morning. First 6:30 AM wake up in a very long time. I was excited though, and boarded the train, though I feel like a little piece of me died for a bit knowing that for the next 2 months I would be spending 2 hours of my life on a train each day (one way each day).

The first day was good, slow because we didn't really start working on anything. On Mondays and Tuesdays I'm 1 of 3 interns, and then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday joined by others. I'm the only full time intern. Turns out that the office I'm sharing with an intern and one of their employees has a window with a pretty good view down 6th Ave. Pretty impressive that at the age of 22 I have a window on the 30th floor. Anyways, the 2 women in charge of our internship program are great and young and real cool. I was floored by the end of the day yesterday, not used to the commuting and working 9-5, and was passed out by 9:30. It was a great first day though, and it did leave me excited for what the summer held.

Mr. Rubenstein, the president, is working with my dad right now, and has me checking in with him every day to let him know how everything is going. This man is THE MAN in the world of PR, and I'm excited and looking forward to the chance to work right under him. They have about twelve or so other senior publicists, and we work with their junior publicists on whatever they need us for.

Today we got to work on putting together memos and media clippings for Miss Universe, who, awesomely, was in our office this morning. Yah, she's gorgeous. And I'm not talking Miss USA, I'm talking about the woman who won, Miss Japan. Yah it was pretty exciting and I felt pretty cool. The day went faster today because we were all a little more relaxed and had work to do. I ended up not even taking a lunch break and just hanging in the office.

I'm happy to say that it's 8:15 and I'm not tired. Which is great because that means I can start a routine of going to the gym after work. Of course this is all provided I get to bed early enough. I always respected my father, now I respect him even more. The train is not easy. Because I have to be in to work by 9, I take the 7:08 train to Grand Central, which gets me in around 8:10, and then I have about a 20 minute walk (longer if I walk slow or weather sucks) about 10 blocks over and 5 up. Gives me good exercise and I'm starting to pick out some places I'd love to check out.

Tomorrow I'm heading over to The Modern, the new restaurant at the MoMa, for an office event. Haha how cool, we're only 2 blocks from MoMa and a couple from Central Park! I intend to check out more of the area soon...

Other than that, things are going well. Next Friday I'm heading to Miami for the weekend, as FIU is having a "fall 2007 entering class reception" on Saturday. I'm looking forward to meeting classmates, and, if I'm lucky, a roommate for the fall! It'll be fun and a nice little break.

Oh, another reason I love walking- so many good looking guys in the city. It's fun seeing so many guys. Ok yah I won't go any further.

NYC, here I come!

The big job begins tomorrow. This is my first big job. Ok, I'm still an intern, but I am excited to see what I'll be doing this summer. Well, for the next two months. Now I'm sitting here, worried about what exactly I should wear tomorrow, as it is the first day, and first impressions mean a lot. The first day is always the most stressful for me.

I don't have to be in til 10 tomorrow, but I have to take the 8AM train to be there on time. Sweet. Which means a 6:30am wake up call. And then work til 5, then catching the 6pm train out of the city, which gets me in around 7. Sweet. I know that I am going to be absolutely pooped tomorrow night. Still hoping to get in the routine of going to work and then getting a good work out in before I head home. Just need to get the routine going right away and keeping it up- I'll be in Miami in no time, and if I thought the people up north were skinny....ahh craziness.

Nevertheless, the next 2 months hold invaluable experiences. June should actually be pretty cool--I'm heading to Miami in a couple of weeks to head to FIU for a fall 2007 entering class reception. I'm hoping to meet some people up front, perhaps even find a roommate for the year, which would be amazingggg to have a fellow student to live with. Then Allie and I will fly back home together, and she'll be home for a couple of days, which will be nice. Then-the most fun- we've been invited to the opening party of the Ripley's Believe it or Not in Times Square down in New York City! There's a band called Mini Kiss playing--it's little people dressed up as Kiss--this will be way too cool. The funny thing (and very cool in my head) to me is that the CEO of the company I'm working at, Mr. Rubenstein, has been invited also, so I was joking that I get to walk in with him, which is TOTALLY cool in my head, as he is a big time guy in the PR world. Ok I'm done being super excited.

I'm sitting here, watching the Yankees play the Red Sox. We're 13.5 games behind them, gah, and the Yankees are killing me slowly this summer. It's gonna take ALOT for them to catch up. Really rather sad to see us playing so bad lately. THIRTEEN AND A HALF GAMES. Sickening.

Anyway, I better go get stuff ready for tomorrow and pick up my room. Being home has its perks- no rent, free food, etc. The problem with it is that my mom seems to forget that I am 22 and have been taking care of myself, and is constantly on me about something. Tonight it was making sure I had everything I need for work tomorrow. I think she forgets that I am the queen of lists and thinking ahead....it will get old soon, but its fun being home. I haven't been home for this long a time in a loong time...

Oh, Entourage tonight, Yay! Hopefully I'll get on tomorrow to talk about my first day of work...wish me luck!

Almost over...

The end of an era is coming to a close.

My room is pretty much packed up. I've been packing for like four hours now, and I finally got things really and truly packed. So weird to see things being thrown out and packed up, not to be seen until I move to Miami in August. I've done a pretty good job packing, though I got box happy and now have more boxes than I need. I don't even know if I am going to need any....

Last night at Tommy Joe's tonight. And by tonight, I really mean starting 3 hours from now, since happy hour begins at 5. This was my place since December, and I'm going to miss the people there terribly. It should be a good night, however, with Erin coming with me at 5, Woo in there, Ace coming after work, and I'm hoping Kim and company. Just sad that when I find myself a niche around here, it's time to move on....

So I got 3 bags and 1 box so far. Not too bad. Still some more to go, and the guys are coming tomorrow to get rid of my furniture. It'll be much easier to finish packing when I have more room to do so...I wonder what time they are coming, I need to have everything cleared off...

So yah. I begin my job in New York City on Monday. My first 5-day, 9-5 job. And I'm commuting. Woot. I'll get a taste of the real world for about a month, because in July I'll only be working Monday-Wednesday, and probably wetting myself to move to Miami. But it'll be good experience and look fab on the resume.

I've been having interesting dreams lately. One I can recall from last night seemed rather long. It involved a certain someone and his roommate. We were hanging in their place, just watching TV and stuff, but nothing was really happening--pretty much like our relationship was before everythign went down. After a while it changed to us being on a cruise ship, and drinking and hanging out together. Once again, nothing happened, and the dream moved on to other things, but it was interesting nonetheless. I'm a firm believer that all of my dreams have meaning, yet this one doesn't seem to do much for me yet...

So weird to look around my room and see it so empty. Even sadder tomorrow...

The New Canaan Effect

I was pretty excited to get home yesterday. When I woke up, it was like it hit me, and I wanted to get on the road and get home as soon as possible. And I did.

It was real nice getting home. I stopped in to see my tennis coach and catch up on old times. He looks great still, it's really not fair, and I look forward to being home for good to hit some with him. He was a huge part of my life and it was good to see him doing so well.

Dad and I went to dinner last night and caught up. It was the first time him and I actually really had a good conversation, one on one like that. Often when it's just him and I the conversation is sparse, but there was something different last night. Maybe I had more to say, or he did, or he was not as stressed about work as he usually is. Whatever it may be, it was enjoyable.

Today I ran around doing errands most of the day. Woot for a sale at the Rugby Store--for those of you not familiar, a trendier and (somewhat) cheaper Ralph Lauren store. Cool stuff, and the logo is a skull and crossbones.

Which brings me to my first deep thought in a while. My sister, mom, and pretty much everyone keep telling me how I'm really going to need to change the way I dress when I am in Miami starting in August. Ok yah, I know I'm not the trendiest girl, and prep girls probably don't go far in Miami, but I really don't want to change myself completely, and I am sure I will pick up more of the "style" once I'm there. It's just annoying that they are constantly harping on how I dress when it's what I feel good in.

If I actually felt more comfortable about how I look then I would dress a little more trendier, and this is something I am working on. I'm never going to be a size 0 but I'm doing what I can before I enter the world of bikinis. Sometimes I wonder why I picked Miami, it really is going to be culture shock, but no doubt it will be good for me.

Being home makes me laugh as well. The moms are all ridiculously skinny and don't look their age. The cars are gorgeous. The kids all prepped out. Oh I wish some of you could come here and see where I grew up, it would really explain a lot more about me.

My cousin's sweet 16 is tomorrow night. So I'll be heading out there as the awkward cousin. It will definitely be a good time and I'm glad I'm able to attend. While I'm looking forward to it, I am absolutely not looking forward to the drive back on Saturday, where I will most likely hit the Memorial Day beach traffic, and I am definitely not looking forward to the extensive cleaning/packing/throwing out that will be going on until Wednesday.

And can anyone help me move my stupid bed? Jamie said she would but we're gonna need some help from a guy. We need to move a mattress and box springs from my apartment to the Berks. Oh this is gonna be an adventure on Wednesday night...

Anyways, I am looking forward to starting my job in NYC a week from Monday. Should be interesting, and fun. I hope. Not looking forward to commuting.

I also wish I wasn't so dumb sometimes, ans really wish I had had everything all packed by this weekend so I could have next week to chill out. My plan is to get as much done as early in the week as possible so I can get back, I mean I barely have work clothes for a 5-day work week. I would have been better served getting everything done in the past week and a half that I did nothing so I could not be a freak before I begin my job.

So a week from today I should be moved back to Connecticut for two months. I'm shooting to be back Wednesday night---my dad wants me to do a "test run" on the train so I know where I'm going on Monday, and yah I should get work clothing.

Good luck to me, Sunday and Monday are gonna be super fun.....

Out with the old...

For any of you still in the District, I have a lot of stuff I am looking to get rid of. If anyone is interested, hit me up, and you can pick what you want. Otherwise I hope to be able to donate a lot of this stuff.....

I cannot wait for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End....

Welcome back...

Yes, it's been quite a while. But I'm back. I realize this is a good way for me to express myself because typing is so much easier than writing, and it's also a good way for people to keep in touch with me. So here goes.

It's so weird to think that in August I'll be moving to a new city to start a new life as a 1L law student. I feel more like an adult this time, as opposed to when I was getting ready to move to D.C. for life as a collegiate at AU. It's like I am going there to truly begin my life.

I don't want to leave anyone. I keep telling all my close friends they should look for jobs in Miami and come live there, and people keep laughing about it, but why not? I know I should have stayed here but the LSAT Gods were not happy with me and no school in D.C. would accept me. Plus it's a great way for us to get out there and see what other places have to offer. We're only this age once.

But I am excited for this next step. A new city with new people and a whole new experience waiting for me. A chance for me to find myself more. I just wish some of my friends could be closer to me.

We've been graduated for a week now (well some of us) and it just feels weird. I spent most of the week sick in bed, and am now, at 11:30 at night, finally beginning to feel better. As much as I want to stay, I am ready to move on.

The episode from a couple of weeks ago isn't bothering me anymore, but it's sad to think a friendship was lost. But such is life sometimes. I really thought there was potential, but then again, what do I know when it comes to that game? Little to nothing. Being at home and working in New York City will be good for me, a good time for me to gain some great experience, as well as money, before I head down to the city where the heat is on. Working 9-5 and commuting on the train is certainly something I've never done before, I guess 22 is a good age to begin. The plan is to get into Miami shape too--I should just stop eating for the next three months.

Well that's all I got for now. Not feeling incredibly profound or deep at the moment, but I'll try to keep on top of this. Hey, who knows, maybe one day I'll have as close a following as Ace over there...

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now...

So, listening to this song last Wednesday night was a fun experience, but it's somewhat sad to me that it applies to my life right now. Ok, maybe I am not completely miserable, but I was this weekend, and I am working to not be miserable, as hard as that is for me right now.

According to my widget (yes I am a MacBook user), miserable means wretchedly unhappy or uncomfortable. So, based on this definition, I have been miserable three times in my life. Sophomore year of high school when I first came to terms with the fact that I do indeed feel more and see more of the world around me, and see it better and more truthfully than anyone else my age (something I'm not proud of, ignorance is bliss). The second time being when I had knee surgery my senior year- no explanation needed, you try not being able to walk for 6 months. The third time being when I gave up the one thing that had made me so happy since I was 6- tennis- at the end of frosh year of college.

This, my friends, is the fourth time.

Don't get me wrong, there has been a ton of great moments this semester- Union Jack's is always a good time for me and whoever joins me, broomball was fabulous, mixers rocked, being with my sisters, Miami. These are weekend/night things, events that only last a couple hours and become another one of my favorite memories from my last year of my undergraduate career.

But, I have hit rock bottom. I'm in a place I know all too well, and I am not a fan of it one bit. If there are any of you who actually do read this, please don't be worried. If you know me well, you know that I am indeed working on turning this all around, and will do my absolute best to keep my head up right now. Also, know that there are some of you that are the reason I keep going, and it is none of you that have caused me to be in this place. You all, funny enough, keep me insane.

Having said all of this, I know that deep down, the things causing me to be so upset are really trivial in the grand scheme of things- it's the point that I work so hard, or like to think I do, and really do not see any returns on my hard work (sorry to bring out the business analogies). It's results that keep us going in life, and a lack thereof makes waking up before 1 PM a tough endeavor for yours truly.

Yah, I could throw out the depression word right now. I'm not proud of it, but it's not something I'm afraid of talking about. In fact, I know I'm a strong person because of the fact that I can accept my current situation and vow to no be depressed anymore. This is a very hard thing, however, when you've been diagnosed with having a chemical imbalance in your brain which causes you to sometimes have absolutely no control over your emotions (think beer tears or the things you do while drunk, except I am sober and being aware of what is going and not being able to change it is 10 times scarier than being drunk and acting out).

But, I have a lot to live for. And yeah, it's gonna be 5 weeks of hell, but I'm heeding words collected from my father over the years:
"You can sleep when you're dead" ---ok haven't heeded this yet, my dreams are better than reality these days....
"Plan your work and work your plan"---this is a saying I really like.

So, it's back to lists upon lists of goals and things to get done and the infamous L-School crap. I refuse to say that L word right now, and no one better ask me about it or say the word. Period.

With all that out of my system, I've accepted the reality of the situation with a certain someone. Despite what has gone on over the past 2 months- which really has been fun- I guess being friends is what I have to settle for. And yet, this is what I feel I am ALWAYS settling for. Good at friendship. GREAT at friendship. When's it my turn?

"In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?"

A little dramatic, but we're all allowed our moments, no?

I can talk to him about nothing and everything for hours. I can just look at him, into his eyes, and be content. I can be silly around him and he likes it. He calls me "good people" and "a very likeable person." What does that even mean?

I've always been attracted to older guys, but usually they have a little more direction, which makes sense since I have more direction than mapquest.

Or, at least I thought I did. I'm so intrigued by him. I've never seen him in a bad mood, he's always in good spirits. He laughs a lot. He has a good attitude all the time---how does he do that?

Well, it's 4PM. I woke up at 1, had some lunch, and have done nothing really productive, other than find a tutor. Don't ask.

5 weeks. He leaves November 15th. I don't know how I feel about that...

So my heart was broken last night.

Yeah ok I am not proud of it, it happens too often to me, but it's a blog right? I can write about whatever I want.

It's really my fault for letting my heart get broken- I really should have known better. But boy, it hurt. And of course, I remedied the situation by drinking and going to Union Jack's with the brother. Why did I let it happen though? I should have not fallen for him, and once again I did, but gah, he just needs to leave already. And then the bouncer (who's in love with me) didn't help so much by telling me things that made me feel worse in my poor decision to fall for this guy.

But I guess that's my thing, falling for the wrong guys. But I am so over this. When's it my turn to find a right guy? I don't need to find THE right guy, I am only 22, but it scares me because at this age I haven't had one single meaningful relationship, and how am I supposed to know when the right guy actually comes along? Will I know something good when it actually comes along?

It's all very confusing and frustrating and I'm really not sure where to go from here. There's one interest, but I am completely clueless on how to go about pursuing this one. Why can't I be pursued once in a while? That would feel so good...

Anyways, there's around 50 something days left in this semester. Which leaves one more full semester of my undergraduate career here at American. And, I have to say, I'm beginning to get very nostalgic and beginning to miss it all.

I'm one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives, and some stay around for a reason. There's a huge reason he's in my life.

We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of sophomore year, and in the beginning he was his pompous self, but I challenged him, and we hit it off. And he's been a fixture in my life ever since. There's a deep bond that can't be broken by anything. Not me wigging out on him or him disappearing for weeks. I know I can call him or IM him and eventually reach him. And he'll be there for me. Like he was last night. He can always make me laugh, and we always have a good time together.

We're both at pretty confusting stages in our lives. I'm getting ready to apply to law schools, with my #1 choice being thousands of miles away in Miami, and he will be here. He's looking for a job and dealing with life after college. And both of us have the problem of ultimately being too nice, even in our mean, selfish moments.

Sometimes I wonder if there could ever be anything between him and I. Not because I'm attracted to him or have a crush on him. It's more that there's already such a great relationship between the 2 of us, I wonder if it would be even better if we got together and had the romance part there as well. I think we'd be good for each other, but who really knows. Guess I shouldn't really dwell on it.

I should just focus on myself and Law School. This whole application process is bad deja vu from applying to undergrad. I can't believe I'm getting my scores back tomorrow....

Sunday

Ever wake up and find you are already plagued by thoughts and realities that, 1) you don't really want to think about or come to terms with 2) you just can't understand why this always happens to you?

That's me since I woke up 28 minutes ago.

I guess I'm really at a loss. He texted me last night to let me know he was DJing down the street (as per usual) and yet never invited me or anything. At one point he mentioned how it was was quiet last night, but like I said, no invite. I don't know if there was a hint or anything in there, but, with what we've been through, you'd think him and I were passed hints and stupid crap like that. Apparently not. Of course, I also think I make the right decision of not going either way; as nice as it would have been to see him I didn't really feel like being somewhat ignored.

But I guess that's all it is- perhaps there really is nothing between him and I. Maybe it really was one awesome night back in August, followed by a couple of days of "why me again?" feelings (well, trust me they didn't last long, I hooked up with 2 other guys right after him), then an awkward, unanticipated reunion, followed by talking again, seeing him 3 nights in a row, with him staying over last weekend and our whole saga getting deeper. It ends with him staying over on Wednesday night, a really nice night filled with tennis, ice cream sundaes, and cuddling til 3 AM. Saw him Thursday night, nothing special there, and that's been it since 3 days ago.

So, someone please make sense of this all. Good times there, right? But he does leave for officer training school on November 15th, and won't be back for a couple of months- so maybe he's just enjoying himself? And maybe I should too.

To be quite honest- while you may not beleive me- I'm not as broken up as I could be, as I usually am. Maybe I have finally accepted it for what it is- a fling. But at the same time, I really enjoy being with him, and he seems to enjoy being around me too. Soemtimes I think it's just cause he's a generally nice person, and I look at him and think, yeah he is real nice and not the best looking guy, so I shouldn't worry. Then there's always the wonder of, well if I am not there, who's he flirting with tonight? So I really just don't know.

Yeah, it's all awfully confusing, isn't it? I guess I should just focus on myself right now- school and health and AHH law school. Dammit I forgot about that.

Maybe there is no time for him right now. For DJs and sagas and flings and all that jazz. But even so, I wish I knew more about how he really felt...but the truth does hurt....

That Moment

I want to be held.
Sometimes I just want to be back in that moment, because, for that moment, life was unlike it was at any other moment.
It was perfect.
And I sat there, and I looked at the stars, and I looked at the people around me,
(most I didn't know and would never know again)
and just knew that I had it so good.
And we sat. And offered me his chair.
And stood there, at my eye's level, and looked and smiled.
And I knew.
And he held me. Even when we walked.
Hands clenched in hands. Holding on to me as if afraid to lose me.
And for that moment, I was all that mattered.
The giggling. The looks all night long.
There's something so comforting in knowing it's all yours.

So tonight, I sit.
And I'm brought back to the ocean.
The sounds of the waves.
You letting me be goofy, and joining me in my glory.

Looking far over the water and seeing nothing.
Nothing but us.
And the ocean.
In that moment.

For that moment, we were invincible.
We were one.
You held on to me close.
I was yours.

The moment lasted all night.
All it took was that first smile and you were hooked.

That moment.
I want to be held in that moment again.
And again.